Mischief managed!

Mischief, s00j's new album, has now been given a release date of July 16th. I am so excited about this album I don't even have words. Well, I do have words, but they all have to do with how excited I am about this album. While Ms. Tucker is far more than a novelty act, her more whimsical work (in particular with the aid of stealthcello) appeals very strongly to me and so I've been hoping for an album version of Salad of Doom since the first time I heard it. (There's actually a video of some of that performance within the link.) That's not the only reason I'm looking forward to this album, it's not even the song I'm looking forward to most or the one that's been the most persistent earworm, but it's the one I've been looking forward to the longest.

Imagining the unimaginable.

Imagine you're the proud of parent of a baby boy. He's been washed and weighed and tagged and checked for emissions standards compliance and everything else that they do with new babies and everything's going great, but then your doctor comes into the room with a heavy note of concern in his eyes.

"I don't mean to alarm you," he says, "but your son has a slight... abnormality."

Your heart lurches downward. Your stomach lurches upward. Abnormality? That sounds serious... that sounds dangerous.

"It concerns his genitalia," the doctor continues, and you know you should feel relieved... it's not his heart, it's not his lungs, it's not his immune system or his brain or anything that's likely to be debilitating or worse. You're glad it's not... whatever the problem is, you're sure you wouldn't trade it for any of those, but still... your son has abnormal genitals?

It gives you pause, to say the least.

"Please, Doctor... just tell us what's wrong," you say.

"Oh, nothing's wrong, per se," the doctor says. "It's just... well, his penis is slightly larger than we like to see. As you can imagine, a boy's penis is very important to his psychosexual development, his self-image. Any... irregularity... in that area can have serious repercussions later in life. It can affect behavior, self-esteem... there's even some correlation between an outsized penis and certain sexual lifestyles. I know you'll love your son no matter what, but as a loving parent, wouldn't you want him to have as normal a developmental experience as possible?"

"Of course!" you say. "But what can be done?"

"There is a surgical technique... a relatively minor surgery, if we do it while he's still young... where we cut away a portion of the penile shaft, and then reattach the tip to what remains. It's very safe, believe me. He won't remember a thing."

"But... won't that impair his... function?"

"Oh, no," the doctor says. "It's the glans, the head, that's the important bit, and we preserve that. There's no loss of nerve function."

"How can you be sure?"

"He'll tell us that himself," the doctor says. "We'll schedule annual follow-up exams, during which I'll manipulate your son's penis and pelvic area in a variety of ways with a vibratory tool and ask him to rate how it feels. This way we can be sure his sexual development is perfectly normal."

"Wonderful!" you say. "When can this surgery take place?"

...

Can you imagine yourself having that conversation?

Can you imagine any parent?

Would you believe me if I told you that such a surgical procedure (and its follow ups) exists in the United States and is actually practiced on little boys whose parents are so desperate for them to have "normal" genitals that they allow a doctor to mutilate them and then masturbate them at repeated intervals?

Of course you wouldn't. Because it's not true. It would be a ridiculous, unimaginable, and completely inconceivable thing to do a child.

As long as we're talking about boys, that is.

(And of course, if the "abnormality" is something other than "unusually large penis", then surgical intervention in an infant of any sex's crotch becomes much more conceivable for many doctors and parents.)