Impostor Syndrome, or The Con In Wiscon

[alexandraerin]

So, a couple of weeks back, Jack told me that he hoped I had the Mackenzie/Gloria fight scene wrapped up before WisCon because he didn't want to be waiting for that to be resolved for a week or more. "What are you talking about?" I said to him. "Wiscon's only one weekend." And he said, "Yes, but you'll be too tired and too busy to get anything done after it."

I thought he was being silly. Of course he was actually being Jack, and even worse, right.

Tiredness and busy-ness aren't the only things in play, of course, but they're the things that stop me from noticing the other things or that render otherwise surmountable things distinctly un. My routines fall by the wayside, the little things I do to help keep track of time and what I'm doing, to manage my physical and emotional energy levels, etc. I forget the lessons I've learned about how not to beat my head against the wall all day long.

One of those lessons is not to put off blogging. When I have stuff in my head that needs to get out, I'll get everything done faster by letting it out, not saying "Okay, I'll finish this other thing than get to that." Sometimes it happens the other way around: if the story is raring to get out, blogging can wait. I've always got something to say, something to write. It's just not always in the order I would prefer it to be.

So, never mind the preamble above: this is my Great Big Wiscon Post. It probably won't be the last one I make that touches on Wiscon events, but the other ones will likely be smaller, or more about general things that were inspired by things I heard on panels.

One of the most amazing things about Wiscon was the number of people on my own informal "Must Meet" list who told me something like "I was hoping to get to talk to you!" when I did meet them, and the number of people I was in awe of who I heard/read talking about grappling with impostor syndrome... it was a bit of a revelation.

I did not sign up for any readings or panels this year because I wanted my first year to be "recon", because that helps me manage my anxiety. Fear of Doing It Wrong is one of the major components of that anxiety. When I'm someplace new, without clear instructions and expectations, I flounder and flail. I'm getting better about that. Actually going out, going to new places and doing new things is helping me to get past that. But part of that anxiety, at least as it connects to things like cons, is impostor syndrome. I'm afraid that I don't belong, or that others will act as though I don't. I always figured that this was a function of how I've come by my success, of the relatively small amount of attention and acclaim I've garnered from the traditionally recognized sources of such.

But people who've followed other paths... people who win awards, people who are blogged and tweeted about much more widely than I am... have the same misgivings.

Mary Anne Mohanraj, who was one of the guests of honor this year, hugged me and told me she loved my work. I knew that. I'd heard it from her online, even. But hearing it from her in person was very different. I hadn't expected the hug. I hadn't expected to find myself eating dinner with her, largely due to the efforts of Sumana Harihareswara, AKA The Human Ice-Breaker*. I hadn't expected, basically, for her to be just another person, like me, full of hopes and dreams and doubts and second-thoughts.

I felt incredibly honored and lucky when tithenai let our little group, including people she only knew from online and people (like me) that she'd never met, hang out in her room with her after she decided she was too tired to do any more readings. I shyly asked her if she would please sign a copy of The Honey Month for Jack. The next day we hugged like three times when it was time for us to leave, and then I got back to Omaha and a few days later I found on her Livejournal where she wrote about what it felt like to realize that we were all happy just to hang out with her.

And we were. We had been. The last night of the con, which was full of Just Hanging Out, was easily the best part of it for me.

None of us are impostors... we're all just people. Some of us write, some of us paint, some of us are doctors or lawyers or teachers or soldiers or parents, but none of us are where we are because someone screwed up and mistook us for a grown-up and let us into the club and we don't have to go around thinking all the time that any minute now someone is going to notice that we don't belong and kick us out.

Anyway, next semi-connected topic: I've never really made use of my Livejournal friends list in an organized fashion. I don't go to my friends page to see who's doing what. Instead I went straight to the journals that interested me as I remembered to. As a result, there are some people whose LJs I've been reading that I considered to be at least "internet friends" but who I never actually friended, and there are numerous people whose journals I started following but then forgot about. After Wis Con, there are so many people I know I want to keep up with that I've finally learned how to use the friend list tools to construct a reading list.

I'm a little embarrassed to realize I never friended karnythia before, since her LJ was one of the ones I remembered to check most often. I got in the habit of going there after I stopped frequenting the snark communities where I first subscribed to her newsletter, as they say dans la belle internet. It took me ten minutes of staring at my list of friends and trying to figure out why I couldn't add her to the group I just created before I realized that she just wasn't there. Well, better late than never.

Other things that happened:

• I got officially grounded from using the stairs by papal edict.
  
• I was in the splash zone of a spit-take at Sunday brunch. I don't even remember who it was, just that karnythia provoked it.
  
• I met angelsscream and seemed to notice something awesome about her wardrobe every time I looked at her. Okay, twice. But that was a sweet bolero jacket and awesome shoes.
  
• I found out that Circlet Press has a paranormal romance imprint, right as a relevant idea of mine has been shaping up.
  

---

*If somebody told me that Sumana is under a geas to introduce everyone in the world to everyone else, I would believe them. Or maybe she invented the handshake and gets a royalty every time someone does it? Regardless, I love her a bit now.

Comments

[janewilliams20.livejournal.com]

I went to a workshop about Imposter Syndrome recently, run by the women's branch of the British Computer Society in conjunction with Women in Technology. The place was full of IT directors and academics with multiple doctorates, and we all had the same problems. Just knowing that much is quite a relief.

[mmohanraj.livejournal.com]

Alexandra, was fun seeing you, and I wish we'd had time to talk more. I think you're interesting! :-)

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

Likewise!

[andy9306.livejournal.com]

Man, fear of Doing It Wrong sucks big time. I've stayed unemployed twice as long as I should because I see a job opening and think to myself "I can't do that, I've never done that before and don't know how to do it." Learning is apparently impossible in the portion of my brain which controls anxiety.

Anywho, I'm glad you had a fun time and wish i could have made it!

[tanyad.livejournal.com]

It was great meeting you! I had a good time at brunch, and I hope you will come back next year!

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

Oh, I am totally coming back next year.

[moofable.livejournal.com]

" Some of us write, some of us paint, some of us are doctors or lawyers or teachers or soldiers or parents, but none of us are where we are because someone screwed up and mistook us for a grown-up and let us into the club and we don't have to go around thinking all the time that any minute now someone is going to notice that we don't belong and kick us out."
...You always find just the right way of saying things that I've been trying to describe for years.

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

Well, sweetie, that's because you don't use enough words. :)

[pretzelcoatl.livejournal.com]

It was really great to meet you. :) I'm sorry that I myself wasn't too talky. I tend to be more withdrawn around people I don't know as well. (As you can imagine, last year's Wiscon was harder since it was my first and it was even more tempting to just bury my head in the ground.)

Looking forward to reading more!

Impostor Syndrome, or The Con In Wiscon

[angelsscream.livejournal.com]

aww you liked my clothes :) it was fun hanging out with you I hope you go to wiscon next year. Thanks for the words of wisdom because I kinda felt bad at the cb dinner for not finishing a novel yet.