A note to men on the internet.

[alexandraerin]

Dear men,

Like you, I didn't have to deal with the same expectations, programming, pressure, and other suchlike baggage that cisgendered women deal with. This isn't to say that I got none of it, just that the circumstances of my birth and upbringing mean that I necessarily received less of it. We're all exposed to the same social forces, but they don't touch us all equally or push us in equal directions.

If you think of yourself as a liberal dude, as a modern man, as a feminist ally, as pro-woman, and you disapprove of the beauty standards pushed on women by mainstream society and reinforced by the media, by peer pressure, by the expectations of the workplace, and so on, this is a good thing, as far as it goes. But "as far as it goes" should not extend so far as disparaging random women you see who for whatever reasons have "given in" to those standards... and those reasons aren't likely to be apparent to you in the time it takes you to glance at them and judge them.

When you say things like "women who wear makeup are obviously masking low self-esteem" or "When I see women dressed like that, I assume they're vacuous and vapid" or otherwise make it clear that you feel comfortable dismissing the worth or intellect of a woman based on how much time and effort you perceive that she spends on keeping her appearance in line with the mainstream beauty standard, you are not being an ally of women. You might think you're sending the message that women should be free from the shackles of the media-driven beauty industry, but you're only one voice in a very complicated song, and the real message you're sending is that no matter what a woman does for herself, it is wrong and she will be judged for it.

The most radical feminist in the world who still lives and works interacting with society has to pick her battles in order to get anywhere in life. The most fiercely independent women still internalize aspects of patriarchy. You, cool dude who does what he wants and doesn't give a damn what society says, still conform to more superficial standards than you'd probably care to realize... you just don't have to worry about well-meaning "allies of men" coming along and judging you for them.

You can't know what any given woman would be risking or giving up if she decided to reject the mainstream standard in favor of conforming to yours. You don't know why she's doing it in the first place. Possibly you mean well, maybe you think you're doing her a favor, but what you're really saying is "If you're not brave enough and strong enough to take the scorn of the rest of society and all that comes with it, you can have some from someone who claims to respect you instead."

Sincerely,
Alexandra Erin.

---

ETA:

Dear commenters,

Two conversations that will not be happening in the comments on this post are "But what about the men? They have problems, too!" and "Let's all list and compare our personal physical preferences!" Yes, even if the original post seems like a natural lead-on to discussion of preferences... I don't have a big "on-topic" rule with my blog discussions and I'm generally a fan of organic topic sprawl, but... no. This is not the time or the place. I'm not judging anybody for having physical preferences. I'm not claiming I don't. But... no. Just no.

I have deleted a couple of comments that edged into these two areas, but I did so without prejudice, as it were. I made no note of the names that were on them and in fact I have already forgotten them. If your comment was deleted and you worry that I'm judging you harshly, don't... I'm not judging you at all. The only way this can lead to me having a negative opinion of anybody is if they insist on bringing it up.

Now, if you're a man (or even if you're not) and you're reading the original letter and you feel that in your opinion you don't behave in the manner that it's addressing, please relax... you don't have to defend yourself because I'm not talking about you.

On the other hand, if you feel like you've expressed something to or in the company of women in all innocence and without judgment and were unfairly attacked by someone wielding sentiments like the ones that inspired the post above... well, without having been there to hear it, I can't really agree or disagree with how you choose to characterize your actions.

But even if you were just "expressing a preference", it's perfectly possible for a woman to be legitimately sick of hearing men who feel the need to tell them their "preferences" because, again, no matter what message you mean to be personally sending, society is sending other messages much more strongly, and this can make a "statement of preference" from a man to a woman feel like pointed advice or criticism aimed at her, even when it's meant to be an idle observation.

To employ a metaphor: maybe you're not spitting in anybody's face on purpose, but if you don't check which way the wind is blowing before you hock up a big one you might end up getting an earful (or worse) from the person you hit.

Or to put it another way: the force you put behind your words isn't the only force that can drive them into somebody.

There's a larger context at work any time people interact with each other, especially when it's people who are classed in ways that society treats very differently.

We might not like this fact. We probably don't, for most values of "we". We might want to say "Can't we forget all this divisive crap and just be people?" But it's not something that goes away because one person wants to opt out of it.

Yeah, it can ruin your whole day to get accused of something unfairly in the casual conversational sense, but in terms of actual problems afflicting society, "I'm a member of a privileged class and I got verbal backlash I didn't personally deserve from someone who's frustrated with dealing with other members of my privileged class." can't rank very highly.

Sincerely,
Alexandra Erin.

Comments

[meleth.livejournal.com]

I love this post, and was wondering if I could have your permission to link to it from various other places on the internet.

[katalopolis.livejournal.com]

I like this post.

[thegreenyear.livejournal.com]

oh. thank you. so much.

[hps-sterling.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with everything you say here, and have to add that women do it too, if not WORSE than the men.

I wear makeup, shave my legs, dress pretty...and am a house wife.

I have not sold out, I have chosen things that made me happy. I actually have been told by a "feminist" that I personally have set the movement back about 60 years because I cow to AJ's patriarchal gender roles. People who really know me understand this is laughable, but in essence, the whole equality movement it that women want the same choices as men, not pigeon holes.

So to have a bunch of bitches sit around and talk shit on me because I look mainstream (most days) is just as shitty as having a guy do it, if not more so for me. They don't get to see how empowered I am, because they don't know me, and they simply judge based on a quick glance. That is stupid.

[triplemare.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this. It sums up some of the things that I was thinking/feeling. Unfortunately, I have had women say much the same thing to me. Because I shave, wear makeup, attempt to stay lean - I am a slave to the patriarchy.

Bah, says I. BAH!

[mattwolf.livejournal.com]

When I first read this, I thought you were joking! I wish I said that I find it hard to believe, but sadly I do not. That's the trouble with the world. Common sense...isn't common.

I prefer a simple but effective technique called Mind your own damn business! If I see someone who I think looks inappropriate? I Mind my own damn business! It applies beautifully to just about every social situation.

Unless you ask for it or you're unconscious and bleeding, you don't need me to save you.

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

I wish this didn't have to be said.

[hel]

For the most part, I agree with what you're said here, and find it very well said.
The line "If you're not brave enough and strong enough to take the scorn of the rest of society..." strikes me as kind of problematic. It seems to me to be saying that the primary reason women would attempt to conform to social beauty standards is that they aren't brave/strong enough to take the scorn society will direct at them if they don't conform. That certainly can be a reason, but I think the far more prevalent reason is the social sanctions that are enacted against non-conforming women, more than 'scorn'. Scorn, I can deal with. Loss of job/tips/promotions/refusal to rent to me/physical attacks, not so much.

[fleurdelisabeth.livejournal.com]

Oh HELL YES!

Thank you. And it's not even just about 'social beauty standards' - some women do it because we really like to.

I don't mind if someone says my pink sweater is fug or they don't like the way I do my makeup but I can't stand the people who think things like "she wears pink and colors her hair blonde, she can't be very intelligent" like the only intelligent girls are brunettes with glasses.

IMO the people who say things that boil down to "you're less of a woman because you like things that are associated with mainstream beauty" are just as bad as the people who say "you're less of a woman because you don't follow social beauty patterns"

[janewilliams20.livejournal.com]

Well said. In a similar vein, at home, I do the cooking and my husband mends the car - is this because we conform to society's demands? Anyone who actually knew us would find the idea hilarious, but there's a tendency to judge without knowing, labelling him as a pig who expects to be waited on and me as a helpless anti-feminist, just because I enjoy cooking and he enjoys cars.

[andy9306.livejournal.com]

I totally judge people who put effort into their appearance. Only because I'm secretly jealous though. My interest in the quality of my own appearance isn't strong enough to overcome my intense laziness, but it is still strong enough to make me feel bad about it.

Basically, I would be guilty of this behaviour if I wasn't too insecure about my own appearance to talk to women.

But seriously, I'm just barely self-aware enough to keep my judgements to myself.

[nikoda.livejournal.com]

My "favorite" is when men tell you you don't need to wear make-up in that "Let me save you beautiful tortured princess!" tone not realizing that when you're very pale skinned with dark features a little make-up goes a long way to keep people from showing grave concern for your perceived terminal illness. Then there's the people (usually women) who look down their noses at you because you choose to spend time with your husband over working overtime or doing something social with them.

I've also run into my fair share of men who despise the thought of having a wife or girlfriend who stays at home. They won't care if all she does is volunteer somewhere but she has to be out of the house regularly and prove an active member of society because he's not there to support her bon bon/soap watching habit. I have no idea where that mentality comes from but I usually can't stand those guys long enough to be around them and figure it out.

My biggest thing is that male or female, what a person does with their person is no one else's business. As long as they're not hurting anyone or themselves, who the hell cares how they live? Why is it such a personal affront to a complete stranger how they live their life? I can only imagine living in their heads is a nightmare and I'm glad I'm not there with them.

[thealmightygarp.livejournal.com]

Great thread! It always comes back to *get to know people*, and reserve your unflattering judgements as much as possible, especially when you 'know you're right'.

[addiejd.livejournal.com]

I thought you might find this piece of art relevant and interesting. Also, many, including myself, are interested in buying prints of it and the artist has no idea how to go about doing it, so if you don't mind, I would very much appreciate it if you could point her in the right direction.