A note to men on the internet.

[alexandraerin]

Dear men,

Like you, I didn't have to deal with the same expectations, programming, pressure, and other suchlike baggage that cisgendered women deal with. This isn't to say that I got none of it, just that the circumstances of my birth and upbringing mean that I necessarily received less of it. We're all exposed to the same social forces, but they don't touch us all equally or push us in equal directions.

If you think of yourself as a liberal dude, as a modern man, as a feminist ally, as pro-woman, and you disapprove of the beauty standards pushed on women by mainstream society and reinforced by the media, by peer pressure, by the expectations of the workplace, and so on, this is a good thing, as far as it goes. But "as far as it goes" should not extend so far as disparaging random women you see who for whatever reasons have "given in" to those standards... and those reasons aren't likely to be apparent to you in the time it takes you to glance at them and judge them.

When you say things like "women who wear makeup are obviously masking low self-esteem" or "When I see women dressed like that, I assume they're vacuous and vapid" or otherwise make it clear that you feel comfortable dismissing the worth or intellect of a woman based on how much time and effort you perceive that she spends on keeping her appearance in line with the mainstream beauty standard, you are not being an ally of women. You might think you're sending the message that women should be free from the shackles of the media-driven beauty industry, but you're only one voice in a very complicated song, and the real message you're sending is that no matter what a woman does for herself, it is wrong and she will be judged for it.

The most radical feminist in the world who still lives and works interacting with society has to pick her battles in order to get anywhere in life. The most fiercely independent women still internalize aspects of patriarchy. You, cool dude who does what he wants and doesn't give a damn what society says, still conform to more superficial standards than you'd probably care to realize... you just don't have to worry about well-meaning "allies of men" coming along and judging you for them.

You can't know what any given woman would be risking or giving up if she decided to reject the mainstream standard in favor of conforming to yours. You don't know why she's doing it in the first place. Possibly you mean well, maybe you think you're doing her a favor, but what you're really saying is "If you're not brave enough and strong enough to take the scorn of the rest of society and all that comes with it, you can have some from someone who claims to respect you instead."

Sincerely,
Alexandra Erin.

---

ETA:

Dear commenters,

Two conversations that will not be happening in the comments on this post are "But what about the men? They have problems, too!" and "Let's all list and compare our personal physical preferences!" Yes, even if the original post seems like a natural lead-on to discussion of preferences... I don't have a big "on-topic" rule with my blog discussions and I'm generally a fan of organic topic sprawl, but... no. This is not the time or the place. I'm not judging anybody for having physical preferences. I'm not claiming I don't. But... no. Just no.

I have deleted a couple of comments that edged into these two areas, but I did so without prejudice, as it were. I made no note of the names that were on them and in fact I have already forgotten them. If your comment was deleted and you worry that I'm judging you harshly, don't... I'm not judging you at all. The only way this can lead to me having a negative opinion of anybody is if they insist on bringing it up.

Now, if you're a man (or even if you're not) and you're reading the original letter and you feel that in your opinion you don't behave in the manner that it's addressing, please relax... you don't have to defend yourself because I'm not talking about you.

On the other hand, if you feel like you've expressed something to or in the company of women in all innocence and without judgment and were unfairly attacked by someone wielding sentiments like the ones that inspired the post above... well, without having been there to hear it, I can't really agree or disagree with how you choose to characterize your actions.

But even if you were just "expressing a preference", it's perfectly possible for a woman to be legitimately sick of hearing men who feel the need to tell them their "preferences" because, again, no matter what message you mean to be personally sending, society is sending other messages much more strongly, and this can make a "statement of preference" from a man to a woman feel like pointed advice or criticism aimed at her, even when it's meant to be an idle observation.

To employ a metaphor: maybe you're not spitting in anybody's face on purpose, but if you don't check which way the wind is blowing before you hock up a big one you might end up getting an earful (or worse) from the person you hit.

Or to put it another way: the force you put behind your words isn't the only force that can drive them into somebody.

There's a larger context at work any time people interact with each other, especially when it's people who are classed in ways that society treats very differently.

We might not like this fact. We probably don't, for most values of "we". We might want to say "Can't we forget all this divisive crap and just be people?" But it's not something that goes away because one person wants to opt out of it.

Yeah, it can ruin your whole day to get accused of something unfairly in the casual conversational sense, but in terms of actual problems afflicting society, "I'm a member of a privileged class and I got verbal backlash I didn't personally deserve from someone who's frustrated with dealing with other members of my privileged class." can't rank very highly.

Sincerely,
Alexandra Erin.

Comments

[meleth.livejournal.com]

I love this post, and was wondering if I could have your permission to link to it from various other places on the internet.

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

Please feel free!

[meleth.livejournal.com]

Woo-hoo! sf_d is going to be seeing it a lot, I'm thinking.

[katalopolis.livejournal.com]

I like this post.

[thegreenyear.livejournal.com]

oh. thank you. so much.

[hps-sterling.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with everything you say here, and have to add that women do it too, if not WORSE than the men.

I wear makeup, shave my legs, dress pretty...and am a house wife.

I have not sold out, I have chosen things that made me happy. I actually have been told by a "feminist" that I personally have set the movement back about 60 years because I cow to AJ's patriarchal gender roles. People who really know me understand this is laughable, but in essence, the whole equality movement it that women want the same choices as men, not pigeon holes.

So to have a bunch of bitches sit around and talk shit on me because I look mainstream (most days) is just as shitty as having a guy do it, if not more so for me. They don't get to see how empowered I am, because they don't know me, and they simply judge based on a quick glance. That is stupid.

[stormcaller3801.livejournal.com]

I'm sure there's some sort of dryly humorous comment that could be made about feminist women who degrade other women the same way that feminist men do, but it's just not coming to me.

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

Pfffffffffffffffffffffft... I think if most of them had a clearer picture of your personal life, they'd think wearing makeup and keeping house would be the least of your transgressions.

The extreme view of "Everything a woman does is empowering because it was her choice to do so!" has its problems in a society where there is so much pressure and programming that goes into us, but so many self-proclaimed radical feminists seem more interested in reworking patriarchy so that they're on top than actually tearing it down.

It's not worth the spoons for me to address that kind of thinking, especially since the people who harbor it would dismiss anything I said if they had any idea what my personal life is like.

[fleurdelisabeth.livejournal.com]

Ha! It's true, it really is the women who usually do this, moreso than the men. Most of the men who say it, do it because they heard their college gf ranting about it.

I once had a feminist tell me I was a "Kinder Kuche and Kirche" woman, that she would have no problem shooting me in the face because I was the type of woman who would put people in Nazi death camps for being feminists (no I am not paraphrasing anything here, this is what she literally said to me, and fwiw the other self-identified feminists who had previously agreed with her told her to knock it off, so at least thats something) because I *gasp* said that society and feminists should put equal value on women who choose to take a traditional role rather than dismissing that role and solely encouraging a woman to empower herself by working outside the home.

It's fucking vicious, I've never had a guy say anything remotely like that about me. I've had a few "smarter than you look" comments but they were meant in good fun.

[triplemare.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this. It sums up some of the things that I was thinking/feeling. Unfortunately, I have had women say much the same thing to me. Because I shave, wear makeup, attempt to stay lean - I am a slave to the patriarchy.

Bah, says I. BAH!

[lyssa-type.livejournal.com]

For myself this is especially pathetic because I used to actually believe that women who wore makeup are being stupid and too conforming. And then I grew up and I realized that many of them are alarmingly intelligent, and completely confident in themselves physically, intellectually, and emotionally. I myself wear make up now, though still not all of the time (I'm not very good at it, since I spent so many years laughing at them instead of learning the skills involved).

There is so much media out there telling us exactly how to behave and represent ourselves in almost any situation. We're supposed to be made up in public (even through the night if you believe television shows; Buffy had makeup on constantly). We're supposed to be good girls most of the time, but still sexy enough for men to want to look at us. We're supposed to be slender, but not "twiggy," men hate twiggy now. So many contradictions for women. Sometimes, it feels like it's amazing that we bother getting up.

[mattwolf.livejournal.com]

When I first read this, I thought you were joking! I wish I said that I find it hard to believe, but sadly I do not. That's the trouble with the world. Common sense...isn't common.

I prefer a simple but effective technique called Mind your own damn business! If I see someone who I think looks inappropriate? I Mind my own damn business! It applies beautifully to just about every social situation.

Unless you ask for it or you're unconscious and bleeding, you don't need me to save you.

[addiejd.livejournal.com]

I think what your problem is is that you're mistaking common sense for good sense. Good sense, which you and I have, is based on logic and examined intentions, whereas common sense, what most others have, is based on the more primitive aspects of emotion, usually fear and self-preservation. Most people don't examine how the things they say and the way they say them effect others, and others react emotionally, that is common sense. Our society is not intellectual enough for those of us who actually use good sense to have a majority and force those with only common sense to step it up.

So remember, the next time you're thinking "I can't believe he/she/they just did/said that, it's common sense to..." it is not common sense, it is good sense, which should be common sense but isn't.

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

I wish this didn't have to be said.

[hel]

For the most part, I agree with what you're said here, and find it very well said.
The line "If you're not brave enough and strong enough to take the scorn of the rest of society..." strikes me as kind of problematic. It seems to me to be saying that the primary reason women would attempt to conform to social beauty standards is that they aren't brave/strong enough to take the scorn society will direct at them if they don't conform. That certainly can be a reason, but I think the far more prevalent reason is the social sanctions that are enacted against non-conforming women, more than 'scorn'. Scorn, I can deal with. Loss of job/tips/promotions/refusal to rent to me/physical attacks, not so much.

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

I hear what you're saying, but it's not meant to be a statement that conveys a nuanced understanding in the first place, and society doesn't sanction people because it likes them so darned much.

On the balance, though, I decided to edit that line a bit to make sure the message... that society's scorn carries repercussions that individual preferences can't... doesn't get lost.

[fleurdelisabeth.livejournal.com]

Oh HELL YES!

Thank you. And it's not even just about 'social beauty standards' - some women do it because we really like to.

I don't mind if someone says my pink sweater is fug or they don't like the way I do my makeup but I can't stand the people who think things like "she wears pink and colors her hair blonde, she can't be very intelligent" like the only intelligent girls are brunettes with glasses.

IMO the people who say things that boil down to "you're less of a woman because you like things that are associated with mainstream beauty" are just as bad as the people who say "you're less of a woman because you don't follow social beauty patterns"

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

And it's not even just about 'social beauty standards' - some women do it because we really like to.

Yes, I thought about including that as an aside, but getting into that gets into messy side-argument territory, because it's impossible to say whether or not as many people would just "like to" do something that conforms to the standard if we weren't immersed in the standard in the first place. I didn't want to turn the whole thing into a debate on "choice feminism".

[janewilliams20.livejournal.com]

Well said. In a similar vein, at home, I do the cooking and my husband mends the car - is this because we conform to society's demands? Anyone who actually knew us would find the idea hilarious, but there's a tendency to judge without knowing, labelling him as a pig who expects to be waited on and me as a helpless anti-feminist, just because I enjoy cooking and he enjoys cars.

[andy9306.livejournal.com]

I totally judge people who put effort into their appearance. Only because I'm secretly jealous though. My interest in the quality of my own appearance isn't strong enough to overcome my intense laziness, but it is still strong enough to make me feel bad about it.

Basically, I would be guilty of this behaviour if I wasn't too insecure about my own appearance to talk to women.

But seriously, I'm just barely self-aware enough to keep my judgements to myself.

[nikoda.livejournal.com]

My "favorite" is when men tell you you don't need to wear make-up in that "Let me save you beautiful tortured princess!" tone not realizing that when you're very pale skinned with dark features a little make-up goes a long way to keep people from showing grave concern for your perceived terminal illness. Then there's the people (usually women) who look down their noses at you because you choose to spend time with your husband over working overtime or doing something social with them.

I've also run into my fair share of men who despise the thought of having a wife or girlfriend who stays at home. They won't care if all she does is volunteer somewhere but she has to be out of the house regularly and prove an active member of society because he's not there to support her bon bon/soap watching habit. I have no idea where that mentality comes from but I usually can't stand those guys long enough to be around them and figure it out.

My biggest thing is that male or female, what a person does with their person is no one else's business. As long as they're not hurting anyone or themselves, who the hell cares how they live? Why is it such a personal affront to a complete stranger how they live their life? I can only imagine living in their heads is a nightmare and I'm glad I'm not there with them.

[fairlycrazy.livejournal.com]

"My biggest thing is that male or female, what a person does with their person is no one else's business. As long as they're not hurting anyone or themselves, who the hell cares how they live?"

I disagree with this statement only as far as when a person chooses to marry, or otherwise enter into a partnership with another person ( or persons), the partner should have something to say about how the one lives, as that affects the other as well. Course, such issues are better worked out before comiting to the partnership.

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

I don't think that statement is incompatible with "as long as they're not hurting anyone or themselves"... as you say, what one partner does affects the other.

[nikoda.livejournal.com]

Even in a relationship, you are still your own person. In theory, you enter into relationships with people who are happy with who you are as a person and are compatible with how you want to live your life. If you choose not to conform to a standard, they still have no right to dictate that you do it simply because you are together. As you say, such issues are better worked out before committing. I would go so far as to say it's a requirement they be worked out or the partnership is doomed to fail from the start. Either way, how that partnership chooses to live in accordance with that partnership as an entity is no more any one else's business than how each single part of that partnership chooses to live as long as they are not hurting others or themselves.

[thealmightygarp.livejournal.com]

Great thread! It always comes back to *get to know people*, and reserve your unflattering judgements as much as possible, especially when you 'know you're right'.

[addiejd.livejournal.com]

I thought you might find this piece of art relevant and interesting. Also, many, including myself, are interested in buying prints of it and the artist has no idea how to go about doing it, so if you don't mind, I would very much appreciate it if you could point her in the right direction.

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

Holy crap that is awesome. I dropped the artist a comment with some info and an earnest entreaty to start selling.

[addiejd.livejournal.com]

Thought you'd like it. And thanks.