Magic Under Construction: TOMU #475
Dec. 28th, 2010 02:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alexandraerinStarted: 12/28/2010
Status: Done.. (12:30 AM, 12/29/2010)
Word Count ~3700
Hours Writing: 2
[Two hours progress. The chapter is all but finished here, though I'm holding the ending back until I actually post it.]
The rest of my evening was blessedly uneventful, free of people jumping out at me or extracting promises or trying to catch me alone. I knew the calm couldn't last... it never lasted, because the essence of life is that things keep happening, but I enjoyed it in a quiet sort of way.
I went to bed alone, not counting Two's presence several feet above me... though I also enjoyed that in a quiet sort of way. I liked sleeping with Ian or Amaranth, I liked the weight and warmth of their bodies... Amaranth's soft and yielding, Ian's steady and firm... but I'd spent years in solitude. I hadn't exactly been the most social of butterflies even before my demonic nature manifested for the first time. I hadn't been a lonely child, before that point... but I had frequently been alone, and with no sense that I was missing anything.
Likewise I hadn't felt like I was missing out on anything during all the time I spent in the company of others, but having a little time to myself in the dark little nest of my bed was intensely relaxing. I could sit there in the warmth and darkness... warmth I encouraged with the tiniest bit of elemental invocation... and feel a bit of the same wonderful floatiness that I got in the baths.
That was two things I'd have to look at if I did give other dorms any kind of serious thought: how easily I could recreate my cocoon, and if they had bathtubs. Ian's dorm seemed to have the same type of stackable dorm beds as Harlowe did, but I didn't know if that was true of all of them. I knew that not every dorm had the same facilities available in the bathroom. The newer ones didn't have tubs, but a lot of them had rows of single stall showers.
Would it be worth trading away baths for a little more privacy in the shower? That would be a tough call to make. On the other hand, if I started using baths to bathe instead of just soaking and unwinding, I could avoid the public showers entirely.
Or maybe I could go further than that in staking out a little bath-time privacy. Ian had brought up suites... I knew the two towers both had pairs of rooms that were joined by a shared bathroom. After my wildly varying experiences with my neighbors in Harlowe, I wouldn't want to enter into that sort of living situation with random strangers... but if it were Amaranth and me in one room and Two and her friend Hazel or someone in the other, it would probably work out well.
It was something to think about, anyway... as much as I'd whined about the proliferation of decisions to be made, it was fun to think about the possibilities, for both intimacy and privacy. Showers with Amaranth or baths by myself, with a locked door or two between me and anyone like the snickering Leighton twins, or Feejee, or anyone else I wouldn't care to be naked and vulnerable in front of.
It would take more than thinking, though, because it would take planning and coordination with the others, and that meant actually talking about it. I didn't know what kind of demand there was for the tower rooms, either. Probably getting four people into two adjoining rooms was a little more difficult than making sure you and three friends all got into the same dorm. Was there a waiting list?
We had time to figure this stuff out, but Professor Bohd had actually had a pretty good point about how quickly things like that could sneak up on you while you were putting off figuring them out until later.
It would have to wait until morning, at least... relaxing under a pile of blankets in the semi-darkness was good for thinking only up to a certain point. Past that point the thoughts came slower, and grew fuzzier and stranger.
I was asleep before I knew it. After I knew it, though, I regretted it, because I could already tell it was going to be one of those dreams. I was still in my bed, but there were no curtains around me. There was no overly precise and regular sound of breathing from the top bunk. Nothing else in the room's furnishings was odd or out of place, but everything was too sharp and too real, including the man who was sitting on top of my desk.
As annoying as the ridiculous owl-turtle thing had been, I would have much preferred another visit from him over this.
He was distressingly solid-looking, and dressed in a suit of dark burgundy with a slim necktie. I had to admit that he looked kind of snappy in it, but I also thought it looked like something that might have been found in a thrift store. I wondered if it corresponded in any way to his actual appearance in real life. Did he wear suits like that in the waking world? Where did he get them? Did he blend in to human society somehow, and have a job and a house? Or did he scavenge from around the edges of it?
When I thought about it, I realized I couldn't even be sure that I was seeing his real face. It was probably a mistake to trust his appearance at all.
"You're getting cagier," he said, giving a nod of approval that made me feel dirty. "Don't worry, though. This is me. I want you to know this face. I want you to recognize me... just in case we ever, you know, pass each other on the street."
"If I could trust you enough to believe that, I wouldn't be wondering about your face in the first place," I said.
"If it's that important to you, I can arrange to show myself to you," he said. "When you're awake, I mean. Not up close, mind you... that wouldn't be safe for either one of us. Just a glimpse, to let you know I'm on the up-and-up."
"I'm so not interested in that," I said.
I saw too much of him when I was asleep. After his rather indistinct appearance in the last dream he'd featured in, I had been hoping he was on his way out. I remembered I'd resolved to find out how to keep him out for good, whether it took mental healing or more exposure to Amaranth's divine power or what. Faced with him, Ian's plan on learning mental defense from Dee made a lot more sense.
"So, I'm guessing the thing that happened last night knocked down whatever barriers were in my head or opened up the passages you'd followed before," I said.
"That's a good thought," he said.
"Does that mean that you don't know but think it sounds plausible, or that you do know but don't want to give me any information about the ins and outs of mental invasion?" I asked.
"t means that I like that you're thinking about it," he said. "You need to think more and react less. Except for the times when it's the other way around. Your problem isn't that you don't think, or that you overthink... it's that you think about the wrong things. There are only so many hours in the day and only so many thoughts can fit inside a head. Anyway, I told you that I'd teach you how to keep me out if you wanted me to."
"On the subject of mental intrusion... I noticed you didn't show up for the party," I said. "Feeling uncharacteristically shy?"
"Uncharacteristic nothing... I like to keep a low profile," he said. "I'm much better dealing with people one-on-one than I am dealing with crowds. There's a lesson for you there. I know you're all about finding your place and fitting in and all, but a group of people is only a few emotional degrees away from a mob, and mobs are the enemies of any god-fearing monster. And few monsters fears the gods like we do."
"Yeah, well, I don't think I'm going to be able to arrange my college life so that I'm only with people one at a time," I said. "That's a bit harder to manage when you live in the real world."
"Don't I know it... don't you be thinking that your daddy doesn't have a life outside of you, little girl," he said. "I'm a busy, busy man... got lots of irons in the fire, and vice-versa. You're lucky I can find the time to come tuck you in as often as I do. But my point is that if you want to make friends with people, try spending time with them one on one. Get to know who they are when no one else is around, and let them form their own impression of you without anybody else to sway them. There could be three people who would all give you a fair shake if they each met you by themselves, but when you run into them together they just end up upholding each other's fears and prejudices, or trying to impress each other by sniping at the easy target."
"What is this, excerpts from Hell's special edition of How To Win Friends And Charm Persons?" I asked.
"Hell's got nothing to do with it... I've had to learn the hard way how to get along with people in this world, because if I get beaten here I get beaten back to there," he said. "And I don't want that. There are those who are content to carve out their own little petty kingdoms down below, but me, I always remember that this is the world we came from, and I like to think of it as home. Besides, if I get myself banished from this plane, how am I going to keep an eye on my precious daughter?"
"You survived at least nine years without doing that... possibly longer," I said.
"Survived? Survival is for suckers," he said. "Fish sucking scum off the bottom of a pond survive. Those poor dumb things that Mercy woman calls 'half-demons' are surviving. During our long years apart since your mother died, you just barely managed to do more than survive. Don't you want more than that? Don't you need it? Don't you feel the hunger deep down in your bones for it?"
"Any time I feel hunger deep inside me, something's wrong," I said. "Am I your only child?"
"As far as I'm concerned, yes," he said.
"Does that mean you don't know about any others or you don't care about them?" I asked.
"One of these days you're going to learn not to bother with questions like that," he said. "When I answer a question, I give the answer that I mean, and I stand by it without elaboration."
"It's amazing the way you manage to make being an evasive asshole into some sort of virtue of honesty."
"I know," he said. "Sometimes I even impress myself. On the subject of impressiveness, that was quite a showing, the other day... you really
"Believe me, it wasn't for you," I said.
"Of course it wasn't," he said. "I wouldn't have had you do it for me. It was for you, and there ain't a single thing wrong with that, as your little friend pointed out."
"You didn't 'have me' do anything," I said. "I did it on my own initiative, for my own reasons."
"Said reasons being all the other people who wanted you to do it," he said. "Everyone but me. I really admire the way you're learning to stand on everybody's own two feet with no help from your father. But in all seriousness... you did good, little lady, and I intend to reward your performance just like I promised."
"I'm not interested in your reward," I said. "Or your promises."
"They're yours, all the same," he said. "You can turn your nose up at my offer now, but the day might come when you're glad it's on the table. Now, if I'm sorting out your memories of the fight correctly, it seems as though you had three falls... does that sound right to you?"
"I wasn't actually counting," I said.
"We'll call it three, then," he said. "It's a good number, for boons or wishes. That's three times... three separate occasions... where you can tell me to take a hike and a hike I will take. Three days you can tell your old man to give you some space and he'll listen. How does that sound?"
"Like a good start on the rest of my life," I said.
"Listen, you don't have to do anything more, you've already earned these days and there are no terms and conditions, or blackout days," he said. "So why despise the offer?"
"Because it's a trap," I said. "If I tell you to leave me alone and you do, then you can turn around and point to that any time in the future that I doubt or distrust you... point to the fact that you kept your word. But it won't mean that I can count on you to leave when it matters, or to do what you say you'll do if it goes against your interests. I could tell you to leave and get comfortable when you do, and then save the last one for the time I really need it... and that'll be the time you break your word."
"Well, if you know all that, then where's the trap in it?" he asked. "It seems to me that you're just too smart to be taken in by the likes of me, and so long as we both know it, why not enjoy what I'm giving you? You don't have to put so much faith in me that you rely on this little deal to save your skin in the future... if you honestly think I have any designs on your skin... just enough to take advantage of my generosity."
"Deals have two parties," I said. "I didn't agree to this. You just threw it forward and now you're insisting that 'we' stick to it even though I had nothing to do with it. And that right there is one reason not to trust it... or you. You're not listening to me when I say I'm not interested. You're already demonstrating how little you care about me and my wishes."
"So I'm supposed to prove that I'm trustworthy and that I care about your wishes by going back on my word when I said I would obey your wishes?" he said. "You're not making a whole lot of sense, I'm afraid."
"There will never come a day when I want you to leave me alone for twenty-four hours," I said. "Because the only thing I want from you is to leave me alone forever."
"You want that now," he said. "But if I honor that one wish of yours, then if you ever want... or need... something else from me in the future, I'll be stuck and you'll be out of luck. Isn't it better to have me checking in like this, every once in a while? I'm not taking up any space in your life. I'm not eating up time when you could be working on homework or having fun with your friends."
"Before you came along, I was having some pretty interesting dreams," I said. "They weren't always fun, but that doesn't mean I'm not missing out on anything when you come along. If you'd tried this on me at the start of the year it might have worked... but I've come a little bit too far to buy the idea that you're inflicting your presence on me against my will as a favor to me, no matter how hard you try to sell it."
"I know, and I couldn't be prouder," he said. "Listen, you had a point back there a minute ago about the nature of deals... so, okay. You don't want me to leave..."
"I do want you to leave," I said.
"...what do you want as a reward?" he asked. "I could answer three questions for you, or send you three gifts, or take care of three problems you're having..."
"I don't want you 'taking care' of anything," I said.
"Relax, little lady... you don't have to worry about me doing anything too unfortunate on your behalf," he said. "I care a lot about you, but I'm not going to risk my ability to keep looking out for you by sticking my neck out with a lot of conspicuous violence."
"Thank heaven for small favors," I said. "But I do want you to leave. Seriously. If you're not willing to do that just because you know you're not welcome here, though, I'm not going to trust you to do it because you say I have three... magic bean vouchers, or whatever... that you're giving me as part of a unilateral 'deal'."
"How about questions?" he said. "You like asking questions. An inquisitive mind should be encouraged. Ask me three questions, and I'll answer them truthfully."
"I've been asking questions," I said. "You could have answered them honestly at any time."
"And now I will," he said. "Here, just by way of demonstration, you asked me about other children. The truth is this: I had a son before you. He was on an airship when the artifact that powered it blew up in his face. It was magic, and he... well... he never recovered."
"I bet you were broken up about that," I said. "Look, just leave. You said I could tell you to leave and you would, three times. Leave. When you show up again I'll tell you to leave again, and when you show up again after that I'll tell you to leave again, and if you show up again after that... then I'm going to the diabolism department, the Universal Temple, the IBF, and anyone else I think who'll listen and who might be interested in trapping, banishing, or destroying you."
"Are you sure you wouldn't rather have answers?" he asked.
"I'd rather have solitude," I said. "I'd rather know that when I close my eyes I'm not going to see anything creepier than the bottom of Sooni's shoe."
He threw back his head and laughed.
"Well, now... I guess your mind is made up," he said. "I tell you what, I can tell when I'm not wanted..."
"The fact that I'm sitting here telling you that is kind of a big hint, isn't it?" I said.
"So, I'll go, and I'll deduct one telling from your bank," he said. "That leaves you with two. I won't be back tomorrow. I won't be back next week. I'll let you sit a while, give you some space to figure things out... and by and by, I'll stop back in and see how you're doing. If you still don't want to talk to me then, you know what to do."
"Every second you sit here talking at me instead of leaving is another reason not to trust you," I said.
"Listen, I said I was going to go and I'm going to go," he said. "But there's just one thing I really need to tell you... something you need to know."
[One and a half hour progress.]
The rest of my evening was blessedly uneventful, free of people jumping out at me or extracting promises or trying to catch me alone. I knew the calm couldn't last... it never lasted, because the essence of life is that things keep happening, but I enjoyed it in a quiet sort of way.
I went to bed alone, not counting Two's presence several feet above me... though I also enjoyed that in a quiet sort of way. I liked sleeping with Ian or Amaranth, I liked the weight and warmth of their bodies... Amaranth's soft and yielding, Ian's steady and firm... but I'd spent years in solitude. I hadn't exactly been the most social of butterflies even before my demonic nature manifested for the first time. I hadn't been a lonely child, before that point... but I had frequently been alone, and with no sense that I was missing anything.
Likewise I hadn't felt like I was missing out on anything during all the time I spent in the company of others, but having a little time to myself in the dark little nest of my bed was intensely relaxing. I could sit there in the warmth and darkness... warmth I encouraged with the tiniest bit of elemental invocation... and feel a bit of the same wonderful floatiness that I got in the baths.
That was two things I'd have to look at if I did give other dorms any kind of serious thought: how easily I could recreate my cocoon, and if they had bathtubs. Ian's dorm seemed to have the same type of stackable dorm beds as Harlowe did, but I didn't know if that was true of all of them. I knew that not every dorm had the same facilities available in the bathroom. The newer ones didn't have tubs, but a lot of them had rows of single stall showers.
Would it be worth trading away baths for a little more privacy in the shower? That would be a tough call to make. On the other hand, if I started using baths to bathe instead of just soaking and unwinding, I could avoid the public showers entirely.
Or maybe I could go further than that in staking out a little bath-time privacy. Ian had brought up suites... I knew the two towers both had pairs of rooms that were joined by a shared bathroom. After my wildly varying experiences with my neighbors in Harlowe, I wouldn't want to enter into that sort of living situation with random strangers... but if it were Amaranth and me in one room and Two and her friend Hazel or someone in the other, it would probably work out well.
It was something to think about, anyway... as much as I'd whined about the proliferation of decisions to be made, it was fun to think about the possibilities, for both intimacy and privacy. Showers with Amaranth or baths by myself, with a locked door or two between me and anyone like the snickering Leighton twins, or Feejee, or anyone else I wouldn't care to be naked and vulnerable in front of.
It would take more than thinking, though, because it would take planning and coordination with the others, and that meant actually talking about it. I didn't know what kind of demand there was for the tower rooms, either. Probably getting four people into two adjoining rooms was a little more difficult than making sure you and three friends all got into the same dorm. Was there a waiting list?
We had time to figure this stuff out, but Professor Bohd had actually had a pretty good point about how quickly things like that could sneak up on you while you were putting off figuring them out until later.
It would have to wait until morning, at least... relaxing under a pile of blankets in the semi-darkness was good for thinking only up to a certain point. Past that point the thoughts came slower, and grew fuzzier and stranger.
I was asleep before I knew it. After I knew it, though, I regretted it, because I could already tell it was going to be one of those dreams. I was still in my bed, but there were no curtains around me. There was no overly precise and regular sound of breathing from the top bunk. Nothing else in the room's furnishings was odd or out of place, but everything was too sharp and too real, including the man who was sitting on top of my desk.
As annoying as the ridiculous owl-turtle thing had been, I would have much preferred another visit from him over this.
He was distressingly solid-looking, and dressed in a suit of dark burgundy with a slim necktie. I had to admit that he looked kind of snappy in it, but I also thought it looked like something that might have been found in a thrift store. I wondered if it corresponded in any way to his actual appearance in real life. Did he wear suits like that in the waking world? Where did he get them? Did he blend in to human society somehow, and have a job and a house? Or did he scavenge from around the edges of it?
When I thought about it, I realized I couldn't even be sure that I was seeing his real face. It was probably a mistake to trust his appearance at all.
"You're getting cagier," he said, giving a nod of approval that made me feel dirty. "Don't worry, though. This is me. I want you to know this face. I want you to recognize me... just in case we ever, you know, pass each other on the street."
"If I could trust you enough to believe that, I wouldn't be wondering about your face in the first place," I said.
"If it's that important to you, I can arrange to show myself to you," he said. "When you're awake, I mean. Not up close, mind you... that wouldn't be safe for either one of us. Just a glimpse, to let you know I'm on the up-and-up."
"I'm so not interested in that," I said.
I saw too much of him when I was asleep. After his rather indistinct appearance in the last dream he'd featured in, I had been hoping he was on his way out. I remembered I'd resolved to find out how to keep him out for good, whether it took mental healing or more exposure to Amaranth's divine power or what. Faced with him, Ian's plan on learning mental defense from Dee made a lot more sense.
"So, I'm guessing the thing that happened last night knocked down whatever barriers were in my head or opened up the passages you'd followed before," I said.
"That's a good thought," he said.
"Does that mean that you don't know but think it sounds plausible, or that you do know but don't want to give me any information about the ins and outs of mental invasion?" I asked.
"t means that I like that you're thinking about it," he said. "You need to think more and react less. Except for the times when it's the other way around. Your problem isn't that you don't think, or that you overthink... it's that you think about the wrong things. There are only so many hours in the day and only so many thoughts can fit inside a head. Anyway, I told you that I'd teach you how to keep me out if you wanted me to."
"On the subject of mental intrusion... I noticed you didn't show up for the party," I said. "Feeling uncharacteristically shy?"
"Uncharacteristic nothing... I like to keep a low profile," he said. "I'm much better dealing with people one-on-one than I am dealing with crowds. There's a lesson for you there. I know you're all about finding your place and fitting in and all, but a group of people is only a few emotional degrees away from a mob, and mobs are the enemies of any god-fearing monster. And few monsters fears the gods like we do."
"Yeah, well, I don't think I'm going to be able to arrange my college life so that I'm only with people one at a time," I said. "That's a bit harder to manage when you live in the real world."
"Don't I know it... don't you be thinking that your daddy doesn't have a life outside of you, little girl," he said. "I'm a busy, busy man... got lots of irons in the fire, and vice-versa. You're lucky I can find the time to come tuck you in as often as I do. But my point is that if you want to make friends with people, try spending time with them one on one. Get to know who they are when no one else is around, and let them form their own impression of you without anybody else to sway them. There could be three people who would all give you a fair shake if they each met you by themselves, but when you run into them together they just end up upholding each other's fears and prejudices, or trying to impress each other by sniping at the easy target."
"What is this, excerpts from Hell's special edition of How To Win Friends And Charm Persons?" I asked.
"Hell's got nothing to do with it... I've had to learn the hard way how to get along with people in this world, because if I get beaten here I get beaten back to there," he said. "And I don't want that. There are those who are content to carve out their own little petty kingdoms down below, but me, I always remember that this is the world we came from, and I like to think of it as home. Besides, if I get myself banished from this plane, how am I going to keep an eye on my precious daughter?"
"You survived at least nine years without doing that... possibly longer," I said.
"Survived? Survival is for suckers," he said. "Fish sucking scum off the bottom of a pond survive. Those poor dumb things that Mercy woman calls 'half-demons' are surviving. During our long years apart since your mother died, you just barely managed to do more than survive. Don't you want more than that? Don't you need it? Don't you feel the hunger deep down in your bones for it?"
"Any time I feel hunger deep inside me, something's wrong," I said. "Am I your only child?"
"As far as I'm concerned, yes," he said.
"Does that mean you don't know about any others or you don't care about them?" I asked.
"One of these days you're going to learn not to bother with questions like that," he said. "When I answer a question, I give the answer that I mean, and I stand by it without elaboration."
"It's amazing the way you manage to make being an evasive asshole into some sort of virtue of honesty."
"I know," he said. "Sometimes I even impress myself. On the subject of impressiveness, that was quite a showing, the other day... you really
"Believe me, it wasn't for you," I said.
"Of course it wasn't," he said. "I wouldn't have had you do it for me. It was for you, and there ain't a single thing wrong with that, as your little friend pointed out."
"You didn't 'have me' do anything," I said. "I did it on my own initiative, for my own reasons."
"Said reasons being all the other people who wanted you to do it," he said. "Everyone but me. I really admire the way you're learning to stand on everybody's own two feet. But in all seriousness, you did good, and I intend to reward your performance as promised."
"I'm not interested in your reward," I said.
"It's yours, all the same," he said. "You can turn your nose up at my offer now, but the day might come when you're glad it's on the table. Now, if I'm sorting out your memories of the fight correctly, it seems you had three falls... that's three times, three separate occasions, where you can tell me to take a hike and a hike I will take. Three days you can tell your old man to give you some space and he'll listen. How does that sound?"
"Like a good start on the rest of my life," I said.
"Listen, you don't have to do anything more, you've already earned these days and there are no terms and conditions, or blackout days," he said. "So why despise the offer?"
"Because it's a trap," I said. "If I tell you to leave me alone and you do, then you can turn around and point to that any time in the future that I doubt or distrust you... point to the fact that you kept your word. But it won't mean that I can count on you to leave when it matters, or to do what you say you'll do if it goes against your interests. I could tell you to leave and get comfortable when you do, and then save the last one for the time I really need it... and that'll be the time you break your word."
"Well, if you know all that, then where's the trap in it?" he asked. "It seems to me that you're just too smart to be taken in by the likes of me, and so long as we both know it, why not enjoy what I'm giving you? You don't have to put so much faith in me that you rely on this little deal to save your skin in the future... if you honestly think I have any designs on your skin... just enough to take advantage of my generosity."
"Deals have two parties," I said. "I didn't agree to this. You just threw it forward. That's one reason not to trust it... or you. Then there's the fact that you're not listening to me when I say I'm not interested. You're already demonstrating how little you care about me and my wishes."
"So I'm supposed to prove that I'm trustworthy and that I care about your wishes by going back on my word when I said I would obey your wishes?" he said. "You're not making a whole lot of sense, I'm afraid."
"There will never come a day when I want you to leave me alone for twenty-four hours," I said. "Because the only thing I want from you is to leave me alone forever."
[Progress after one hour of writing below.]
As annoying as the ridiculous owl-turtle thing had been, I would have much preferred another visit from him than from the man who intruded on my dreams that night.
He was distressingly solid-looking, and dressed in a suit of dark burgundy with a slim necktie. I had to admit that he looked kind of snappy in it, but I also thought it looked like something that might have been found in a thrift store. I wondered if it corresponded in any way to his actual appearance in real life. Did he wear suits like that in the waking world? Where did he get them? Did he blend in to human society somehow, and have a job and a house? Or did he scavenge from around the edges of it?
When I thought about it, I realized I couldn't even be sure that I was seeing his real face. It was probably a mistake to trust his appearance at all.
"You're getting cagier," he said, giving a nod of approval that made me feel dirty. "Don't worry, though. This is me. I want you to know this face. I want you to recognize me... just in case we ever, you know, pass each other on the street."
"If I could trust you enough to believe that, I wouldn't be wondering about your face in the first place," I said.
"If it's that important to you, I can arrange to show myself to you," he said. "When you're awake, I mean. Not up close, mind you... that wouldn't be safe for either one of us. Just a glimpse, to let you know I'm on the up-and-up."
"I'm so not interested in that," I said.
I saw too much of him when I was asleep. After his rather indistinct appearance in the last dream he'd featured in, I had been hoping he was on his way out. I remembered I'd resolved to find out how to keep him out for good, whether it took mental healing or more exposure to Amaranth's divine power or what. Faced with him, Ian's plan on learning mental defense from Dee made a lot more sense.
"So, I'm guessing the thing that happened last night knocked down whatever barriers were in my head or opened up the passages you'd followed before," I said.
"That's a good thought," he said.
"Does that mean that you don't know but think it sounds plausible, or that you do know but don't want to give me any information about the ins and outs of mental invasion?" I asked.
"t means that I like that you're thinking about it," he said. "You need to think more and react less. Except for the times when it's the other way around. Your problem isn't that you don't think, or that you overthink... it's that you think about the wrong things. There are only so many hours in the day and only so many thoughts can fit inside a head. Anyway, I told you that I'd teach you how to keep me out if you wanted me to."
"On the subject of mental intrusion... I noticed you didn't show up for the party," I said. "Feeling uncharacteristically shy?"
"Uncharacteristic nothing... I like to keep a low profile," he said. "I'm much better dealing with people one-on-one than I am dealing with crowds. There's a lesson for you there. I know you're all about finding your place and fitting in and all, but a group of people is only a few emotional degrees away from a mob, and mobs are the enemies of any god-fearing monster. And few monsters fears the gods like we do."
"Yeah, well, I don't think I'm going to be able to arrange my college life so that I'm only with people one at a time," I said. "That's a bit harder to manage when you live in the real world."
"Don't I know it... don't you be thinking that your daddy doesn't have a life outside of you, little girl," he said. "I'm a busy, busy man... got lots of irons in the fire, and vice-versa. You're lucky I can find the time to come tuck you in as often as I do. But my point is that if you want to make friends with people, try spending time with them one on one. Get to know who they are when no one else is around, and let them form their own impression of you without anybody else to sway them. There could be three people who would all give you a fair shake if they each met you by themselves, but when you run into them together they just end up upholding each other's fears and prejudices, or trying to impress each other by sniping at the easy target."
"What is this, excerpts from Hell's special edition of How To Win Friends And Charm Persons?" I asked.
"Hell's got nothing to do with it... I've had to learn the hard way how to get along with people in this world, because if I get beaten here I get beaten back to there," he said. "And I don't want that. There are those who are content to carve out their own little petty kingdoms down below, but me, I always remember that this is the world we came from, and I like to think of it as home. Besides, if I get myself banished from this plane, how am I going to keep an eye on my precious daughter?"
"You survived at least nine years without doing that... possibly longer," I said.
"Survived? Survival is for suckers," he said. "Fish sucking scum off the bottom of a pond survive. Those poor dumb things that Mercy woman calls 'half-demons' are surviving. During our long years apart since your mother died, you just barely managed to do more than survive. Don't you want more than that? Don't you need it? Don't you feel the hunger deep down in your bones for it?"
"Any time I feel hunger deep inside me, something's wrong," I said. "Am I your only child?"
"As far as I'm concerned, yes," he said.
"Does that mean you don't know about any others or you don't care about them?" I asked.
"One of these days you're going to learn not to bother with questions like that," he said. "When I answer a question, I give the answer that I mean, and I stand by it without elaboration."
"It's amazing the way you manage to make being an evasive asshole into some sort of virtue of honesty."
"I know," he said. "Sometimes I even impress myself. On the subject of impressiveness, that was quite a showing, the other day... you really
"Believe me, it wasn't for you," I said.
"Of course it wasn't," he said. "I wouldn't have had you do it for me. It was for you, and there ain't a single thing wrong with that, as your little friend pointed out."
"You didn't 'have me' do anything," I said. "I did it on my own initiative, for my own reasons."
"Said reasons being all the other people who wanted you to do it," he said. "Everyone but me. I really admire the way you're learning to stand on everybody's own two feet. But in all seriousness, you did good, and I intend to reward your performance as promised."
"I'm not interested in your reward," I said.
"It's yours, all the same," he said. "You can turn your nose up at my offer now, but the day might come when you're glad it's on the table. Now, if I'm sorting out your memories of the fight correctly, it seems you had three falls... that's three times, three separate occasions, where you can tell me to take a hike and a hike I will take. Three days you can tell your old man to give you some space and he'll listen. How does that sound?"
"Like a good start on the rest of my life," I said.
"Listen, you don't have to do anything more, you've already earned these days and there are no terms and conditions, or blackout days," he said. "So why despise the offer?"
"Because it's a trap," I said. "If I tell you to leave me alone and you do, then you can turn around and point to that any time in the future that I doubt or distrust you... point to the fact that you kept your word. But it won't mean that I can count on you to leave when it matters, or to do what you say you'll do if it goes against your interests. I could tell you to leave and get comfortable when you do, and then save the last one for the time I really need it... and that'll be the time you break your word."
"Well, if you know all that, then where's the trap in it?" he asked. "It seems to me that you're just too smart to be taken in by the likes of me, and so long as we both know it, why not enjoy what I'm giving you? You don't have to put so much faith in me that you rely on this little deal to save your skin in the future... if you honestly think I have any designs on your skin... just enough to take advantage of my generosity."
"Deals have two parties," I said. "I didn't agree to this. You just threw it forward. That's one reason not to trust it... or you. Then there's the fact that you're not listening to me when I say I'm not interested. You're already demonstrating how little you care about me and my wishes."
"So I'm supposed to prove that I'm trustworthy and that I care about your wishes by going back on my word when I said I would obey your wishes?" he said. "You're not making a whole lot of sense, I'm afraid."
"There will never come a day when I want you to leave me alone for twenty-four hours," I said. "Because the only thing I want from you is to leave me alone forever."
[Progress after half an hour of writing below.]
He was distressingly solid-looking. After his rather indistinct appearance in the last dream he'd featured in, I had been hoping he was on his way out. I remembered I'd resolved to find out how to keep him out for good, whether it took mental healing or more exposure to Amaranth's divine power or what. Faced with him, Ian's plan on learning mental defense from Dee made a lot more sense.
"So, I'm guessing the thing that happened last night knocked down whatever barriers were in my head or opened up the passages you'd followed before," I said.
"That's a good thought," he said.
"Does that mean that you don't know but think it sounds plausible, or that you do know but don't want to give me any information about the ins and outs of mental invasion?" I asked.
"t means that I like that you're thinking about it," he said. "You need to think more and react less. Except for the times when it's the other way around. Your problem isn't that you don't think, or that you overthink... it's that you think about the wrong things. There are only so many hours in the day and only so many thoughts can fit inside a head. Anyway, I told you that I'd teach you how to keep me out if you wanted me to."
"I noticed you didn't show up for the party," I said.
"I like to keep a low profile," he said. "I'm much better dealing with people one-on-one than I am dealing with crowds. There's a lesson for you there. I know you're all about finding your place and fitting in and all, but a group of people is only a few emotional degrees away from a mob, and mobs are the enemies of any god-fearing monster. And few monsters fears the gods like we do."
"Yeah, well, I don't think I'm going to be able to arrange my college life so that I'm only with people one at a time," I said. "That's a bit harder to manage when you live in the real world."
"Don't I know it... don't you be thinking that your daddy doesn't have a life outside of you, little girl," he said. "I'm a busy, busy man... got lots of irons in the fire, and vice-versa. You're lucky I can find the time to come tuck you in as often as I do. But my point is that if you want to make friends with people, try spending time with them one on one. Get to know who they are when no one else is around, and let them form their own impression of you without anybody else to sway them. There could be three people who would all give you a fair shake if they each met you by themselves, but when you run into them together they just end up upholding each other's fears and prejudices, or trying to impress each other by sniping at the easy target."
"What is this, excerpts from Hell's special edition of How To Win Friends And Charm Persons?" I asked.
"Hell's got nothing to do with it... I've had to learn the hard way how to get along with people in this world, because if I get beaten here I get beaten back to there," he said. "And I don't want that. There are those who are content to carve out their own little petty kingdoms down below, but me, I always remember that this is the world we came from, and I like to think of it as home. Besides, if I get myself banished from this plane, how am I going to keep an eye on my daughter?"
"Am I your only child?" I asked.
"Only one worth speaking of," he said. "Or to."
[][][][][][]
"Well, now," he said. "That was quite a showing, the other day."
"Believe me, it wasn't for you," I said.
"Of course it wasn't," he said. "I wouldn't have had you do it for me. It was for you, and there ain't a single thing wrong with that, as your little friend pointed out."
"You didn't 'have me' do anything," I said. "I did it on my own initiative, for my own reasons."
"Said reasons being all the other people who wanted you to do it," he said. "Everyone but me. I really admire the way you're learning to stand on everybody's own two feet."
[][][][][][][]
"Why despise it?" he asked.
"Because it's a trap," I said. "If I tell you to leave me alone and you do, then you can turn around and point to that any time in the future that I doubt or distrust you... point to the fact that you kept your word. But it won't mean that I can count on you to leave when it matters, or to do what you say you'll do if it goes against your interests. I could tell you to leave and get comfortable when you do, and then save the last one for the time I really need it... and that'll be the time you break your word."
"Well, if you know all that, then where's the trap?" he asked. "It seems to me that you're just too smart to be taken in by the likes of me, and so long as we both know it, why not enjoy what I'm giving you? You don't have to put so much faith in me that you rely on this little deal to save your skin in the future... if you honestly think I have any designs on your skin... just enough to take advantage of my generosity."
"Deals have two parties," I said. "I didn't agree to this. You just threw it forward."
Status: Done.. (12:30 AM, 12/29/2010)
Word Count ~3700
Hours Writing: 2
[Two hours progress. The chapter is all but finished here, though I'm holding the ending back until I actually post it.]
The rest of my evening was blessedly uneventful, free of people jumping out at me or extracting promises or trying to catch me alone. I knew the calm couldn't last... it never lasted, because the essence of life is that things keep happening, but I enjoyed it in a quiet sort of way.
I went to bed alone, not counting Two's presence several feet above me... though I also enjoyed that in a quiet sort of way. I liked sleeping with Ian or Amaranth, I liked the weight and warmth of their bodies... Amaranth's soft and yielding, Ian's steady and firm... but I'd spent years in solitude. I hadn't exactly been the most social of butterflies even before my demonic nature manifested for the first time. I hadn't been a lonely child, before that point... but I had frequently been alone, and with no sense that I was missing anything.
Likewise I hadn't felt like I was missing out on anything during all the time I spent in the company of others, but having a little time to myself in the dark little nest of my bed was intensely relaxing. I could sit there in the warmth and darkness... warmth I encouraged with the tiniest bit of elemental invocation... and feel a bit of the same wonderful floatiness that I got in the baths.
That was two things I'd have to look at if I did give other dorms any kind of serious thought: how easily I could recreate my cocoon, and if they had bathtubs. Ian's dorm seemed to have the same type of stackable dorm beds as Harlowe did, but I didn't know if that was true of all of them. I knew that not every dorm had the same facilities available in the bathroom. The newer ones didn't have tubs, but a lot of them had rows of single stall showers.
Would it be worth trading away baths for a little more privacy in the shower? That would be a tough call to make. On the other hand, if I started using baths to bathe instead of just soaking and unwinding, I could avoid the public showers entirely.
Or maybe I could go further than that in staking out a little bath-time privacy. Ian had brought up suites... I knew the two towers both had pairs of rooms that were joined by a shared bathroom. After my wildly varying experiences with my neighbors in Harlowe, I wouldn't want to enter into that sort of living situation with random strangers... but if it were Amaranth and me in one room and Two and her friend Hazel or someone in the other, it would probably work out well.
It was something to think about, anyway... as much as I'd whined about the proliferation of decisions to be made, it was fun to think about the possibilities, for both intimacy and privacy. Showers with Amaranth or baths by myself, with a locked door or two between me and anyone like the snickering Leighton twins, or Feejee, or anyone else I wouldn't care to be naked and vulnerable in front of.
It would take more than thinking, though, because it would take planning and coordination with the others, and that meant actually talking about it. I didn't know what kind of demand there was for the tower rooms, either. Probably getting four people into two adjoining rooms was a little more difficult than making sure you and three friends all got into the same dorm. Was there a waiting list?
We had time to figure this stuff out, but Professor Bohd had actually had a pretty good point about how quickly things like that could sneak up on you while you were putting off figuring them out until later.
It would have to wait until morning, at least... relaxing under a pile of blankets in the semi-darkness was good for thinking only up to a certain point. Past that point the thoughts came slower, and grew fuzzier and stranger.
I was asleep before I knew it. After I knew it, though, I regretted it, because I could already tell it was going to be one of those dreams. I was still in my bed, but there were no curtains around me. There was no overly precise and regular sound of breathing from the top bunk. Nothing else in the room's furnishings was odd or out of place, but everything was too sharp and too real, including the man who was sitting on top of my desk.
As annoying as the ridiculous owl-turtle thing had been, I would have much preferred another visit from him over this.
He was distressingly solid-looking, and dressed in a suit of dark burgundy with a slim necktie. I had to admit that he looked kind of snappy in it, but I also thought it looked like something that might have been found in a thrift store. I wondered if it corresponded in any way to his actual appearance in real life. Did he wear suits like that in the waking world? Where did he get them? Did he blend in to human society somehow, and have a job and a house? Or did he scavenge from around the edges of it?
When I thought about it, I realized I couldn't even be sure that I was seeing his real face. It was probably a mistake to trust his appearance at all.
"You're getting cagier," he said, giving a nod of approval that made me feel dirty. "Don't worry, though. This is me. I want you to know this face. I want you to recognize me... just in case we ever, you know, pass each other on the street."
"If I could trust you enough to believe that, I wouldn't be wondering about your face in the first place," I said.
"If it's that important to you, I can arrange to show myself to you," he said. "When you're awake, I mean. Not up close, mind you... that wouldn't be safe for either one of us. Just a glimpse, to let you know I'm on the up-and-up."
"I'm so not interested in that," I said.
I saw too much of him when I was asleep. After his rather indistinct appearance in the last dream he'd featured in, I had been hoping he was on his way out. I remembered I'd resolved to find out how to keep him out for good, whether it took mental healing or more exposure to Amaranth's divine power or what. Faced with him, Ian's plan on learning mental defense from Dee made a lot more sense.
"So, I'm guessing the thing that happened last night knocked down whatever barriers were in my head or opened up the passages you'd followed before," I said.
"That's a good thought," he said.
"Does that mean that you don't know but think it sounds plausible, or that you do know but don't want to give me any information about the ins and outs of mental invasion?" I asked.
"t means that I like that you're thinking about it," he said. "You need to think more and react less. Except for the times when it's the other way around. Your problem isn't that you don't think, or that you overthink... it's that you think about the wrong things. There are only so many hours in the day and only so many thoughts can fit inside a head. Anyway, I told you that I'd teach you how to keep me out if you wanted me to."
"On the subject of mental intrusion... I noticed you didn't show up for the party," I said. "Feeling uncharacteristically shy?"
"Uncharacteristic nothing... I like to keep a low profile," he said. "I'm much better dealing with people one-on-one than I am dealing with crowds. There's a lesson for you there. I know you're all about finding your place and fitting in and all, but a group of people is only a few emotional degrees away from a mob, and mobs are the enemies of any god-fearing monster. And few monsters fears the gods like we do."
"Yeah, well, I don't think I'm going to be able to arrange my college life so that I'm only with people one at a time," I said. "That's a bit harder to manage when you live in the real world."
"Don't I know it... don't you be thinking that your daddy doesn't have a life outside of you, little girl," he said. "I'm a busy, busy man... got lots of irons in the fire, and vice-versa. You're lucky I can find the time to come tuck you in as often as I do. But my point is that if you want to make friends with people, try spending time with them one on one. Get to know who they are when no one else is around, and let them form their own impression of you without anybody else to sway them. There could be three people who would all give you a fair shake if they each met you by themselves, but when you run into them together they just end up upholding each other's fears and prejudices, or trying to impress each other by sniping at the easy target."
"What is this, excerpts from Hell's special edition of How To Win Friends And Charm Persons?" I asked.
"Hell's got nothing to do with it... I've had to learn the hard way how to get along with people in this world, because if I get beaten here I get beaten back to there," he said. "And I don't want that. There are those who are content to carve out their own little petty kingdoms down below, but me, I always remember that this is the world we came from, and I like to think of it as home. Besides, if I get myself banished from this plane, how am I going to keep an eye on my precious daughter?"
"You survived at least nine years without doing that... possibly longer," I said.
"Survived? Survival is for suckers," he said. "Fish sucking scum off the bottom of a pond survive. Those poor dumb things that Mercy woman calls 'half-demons' are surviving. During our long years apart since your mother died, you just barely managed to do more than survive. Don't you want more than that? Don't you need it? Don't you feel the hunger deep down in your bones for it?"
"Any time I feel hunger deep inside me, something's wrong," I said. "Am I your only child?"
"As far as I'm concerned, yes," he said.
"Does that mean you don't know about any others or you don't care about them?" I asked.
"One of these days you're going to learn not to bother with questions like that," he said. "When I answer a question, I give the answer that I mean, and I stand by it without elaboration."
"It's amazing the way you manage to make being an evasive asshole into some sort of virtue of honesty."
"I know," he said. "Sometimes I even impress myself. On the subject of impressiveness, that was quite a showing, the other day... you really
"Believe me, it wasn't for you," I said.
"Of course it wasn't," he said. "I wouldn't have had you do it for me. It was for you, and there ain't a single thing wrong with that, as your little friend pointed out."
"You didn't 'have me' do anything," I said. "I did it on my own initiative, for my own reasons."
"Said reasons being all the other people who wanted you to do it," he said. "Everyone but me. I really admire the way you're learning to stand on everybody's own two feet with no help from your father. But in all seriousness... you did good, little lady, and I intend to reward your performance just like I promised."
"I'm not interested in your reward," I said. "Or your promises."
"They're yours, all the same," he said. "You can turn your nose up at my offer now, but the day might come when you're glad it's on the table. Now, if I'm sorting out your memories of the fight correctly, it seems as though you had three falls... does that sound right to you?"
"I wasn't actually counting," I said.
"We'll call it three, then," he said. "It's a good number, for boons or wishes. That's three times... three separate occasions... where you can tell me to take a hike and a hike I will take. Three days you can tell your old man to give you some space and he'll listen. How does that sound?"
"Like a good start on the rest of my life," I said.
"Listen, you don't have to do anything more, you've already earned these days and there are no terms and conditions, or blackout days," he said. "So why despise the offer?"
"Because it's a trap," I said. "If I tell you to leave me alone and you do, then you can turn around and point to that any time in the future that I doubt or distrust you... point to the fact that you kept your word. But it won't mean that I can count on you to leave when it matters, or to do what you say you'll do if it goes against your interests. I could tell you to leave and get comfortable when you do, and then save the last one for the time I really need it... and that'll be the time you break your word."
"Well, if you know all that, then where's the trap in it?" he asked. "It seems to me that you're just too smart to be taken in by the likes of me, and so long as we both know it, why not enjoy what I'm giving you? You don't have to put so much faith in me that you rely on this little deal to save your skin in the future... if you honestly think I have any designs on your skin... just enough to take advantage of my generosity."
"Deals have two parties," I said. "I didn't agree to this. You just threw it forward and now you're insisting that 'we' stick to it even though I had nothing to do with it. And that right there is one reason not to trust it... or you. You're not listening to me when I say I'm not interested. You're already demonstrating how little you care about me and my wishes."
"So I'm supposed to prove that I'm trustworthy and that I care about your wishes by going back on my word when I said I would obey your wishes?" he said. "You're not making a whole lot of sense, I'm afraid."
"There will never come a day when I want you to leave me alone for twenty-four hours," I said. "Because the only thing I want from you is to leave me alone forever."
"You want that now," he said. "But if I honor that one wish of yours, then if you ever want... or need... something else from me in the future, I'll be stuck and you'll be out of luck. Isn't it better to have me checking in like this, every once in a while? I'm not taking up any space in your life. I'm not eating up time when you could be working on homework or having fun with your friends."
"Before you came along, I was having some pretty interesting dreams," I said. "They weren't always fun, but that doesn't mean I'm not missing out on anything when you come along. If you'd tried this on me at the start of the year it might have worked... but I've come a little bit too far to buy the idea that you're inflicting your presence on me against my will as a favor to me, no matter how hard you try to sell it."
"I know, and I couldn't be prouder," he said. "Listen, you had a point back there a minute ago about the nature of deals... so, okay. You don't want me to leave..."
"I do want you to leave," I said.
"...what do you want as a reward?" he asked. "I could answer three questions for you, or send you three gifts, or take care of three problems you're having..."
"I don't want you 'taking care' of anything," I said.
"Relax, little lady... you don't have to worry about me doing anything too unfortunate on your behalf," he said. "I care a lot about you, but I'm not going to risk my ability to keep looking out for you by sticking my neck out with a lot of conspicuous violence."
"Thank heaven for small favors," I said. "But I do want you to leave. Seriously. If you're not willing to do that just because you know you're not welcome here, though, I'm not going to trust you to do it because you say I have three... magic bean vouchers, or whatever... that you're giving me as part of a unilateral 'deal'."
"How about questions?" he said. "You like asking questions. An inquisitive mind should be encouraged. Ask me three questions, and I'll answer them truthfully."
"I've been asking questions," I said. "You could have answered them honestly at any time."
"And now I will," he said. "Here, just by way of demonstration, you asked me about other children. The truth is this: I had a son before you. He was on an airship when the artifact that powered it blew up in his face. It was magic, and he... well... he never recovered."
"I bet you were broken up about that," I said. "Look, just leave. You said I could tell you to leave and you would, three times. Leave. When you show up again I'll tell you to leave again, and when you show up again after that I'll tell you to leave again, and if you show up again after that... then I'm going to the diabolism department, the Universal Temple, the IBF, and anyone else I think who'll listen and who might be interested in trapping, banishing, or destroying you."
"Are you sure you wouldn't rather have answers?" he asked.
"I'd rather have solitude," I said. "I'd rather know that when I close my eyes I'm not going to see anything creepier than the bottom of Sooni's shoe."
He threw back his head and laughed.
"Well, now... I guess your mind is made up," he said. "I tell you what, I can tell when I'm not wanted..."
"The fact that I'm sitting here telling you that is kind of a big hint, isn't it?" I said.
"So, I'll go, and I'll deduct one telling from your bank," he said. "That leaves you with two. I won't be back tomorrow. I won't be back next week. I'll let you sit a while, give you some space to figure things out... and by and by, I'll stop back in and see how you're doing. If you still don't want to talk to me then, you know what to do."
"Every second you sit here talking at me instead of leaving is another reason not to trust you," I said.
"Listen, I said I was going to go and I'm going to go," he said. "But there's just one thing I really need to tell you... something you need to know."
[One and a half hour progress.]
The rest of my evening was blessedly uneventful, free of people jumping out at me or extracting promises or trying to catch me alone. I knew the calm couldn't last... it never lasted, because the essence of life is that things keep happening, but I enjoyed it in a quiet sort of way.
I went to bed alone, not counting Two's presence several feet above me... though I also enjoyed that in a quiet sort of way. I liked sleeping with Ian or Amaranth, I liked the weight and warmth of their bodies... Amaranth's soft and yielding, Ian's steady and firm... but I'd spent years in solitude. I hadn't exactly been the most social of butterflies even before my demonic nature manifested for the first time. I hadn't been a lonely child, before that point... but I had frequently been alone, and with no sense that I was missing anything.
Likewise I hadn't felt like I was missing out on anything during all the time I spent in the company of others, but having a little time to myself in the dark little nest of my bed was intensely relaxing. I could sit there in the warmth and darkness... warmth I encouraged with the tiniest bit of elemental invocation... and feel a bit of the same wonderful floatiness that I got in the baths.
That was two things I'd have to look at if I did give other dorms any kind of serious thought: how easily I could recreate my cocoon, and if they had bathtubs. Ian's dorm seemed to have the same type of stackable dorm beds as Harlowe did, but I didn't know if that was true of all of them. I knew that not every dorm had the same facilities available in the bathroom. The newer ones didn't have tubs, but a lot of them had rows of single stall showers.
Would it be worth trading away baths for a little more privacy in the shower? That would be a tough call to make. On the other hand, if I started using baths to bathe instead of just soaking and unwinding, I could avoid the public showers entirely.
Or maybe I could go further than that in staking out a little bath-time privacy. Ian had brought up suites... I knew the two towers both had pairs of rooms that were joined by a shared bathroom. After my wildly varying experiences with my neighbors in Harlowe, I wouldn't want to enter into that sort of living situation with random strangers... but if it were Amaranth and me in one room and Two and her friend Hazel or someone in the other, it would probably work out well.
It was something to think about, anyway... as much as I'd whined about the proliferation of decisions to be made, it was fun to think about the possibilities, for both intimacy and privacy. Showers with Amaranth or baths by myself, with a locked door or two between me and anyone like the snickering Leighton twins, or Feejee, or anyone else I wouldn't care to be naked and vulnerable in front of.
It would take more than thinking, though, because it would take planning and coordination with the others, and that meant actually talking about it. I didn't know what kind of demand there was for the tower rooms, either. Probably getting four people into two adjoining rooms was a little more difficult than making sure you and three friends all got into the same dorm. Was there a waiting list?
We had time to figure this stuff out, but Professor Bohd had actually had a pretty good point about how quickly things like that could sneak up on you while you were putting off figuring them out until later.
It would have to wait until morning, at least... relaxing under a pile of blankets in the semi-darkness was good for thinking only up to a certain point. Past that point the thoughts came slower, and grew fuzzier and stranger.
I was asleep before I knew it. After I knew it, though, I regretted it, because I could already tell it was going to be one of those dreams. I was still in my bed, but there were no curtains around me. There was no overly precise and regular sound of breathing from the top bunk. Nothing else in the room's furnishings was odd or out of place, but everything was too sharp and too real, including the man who was sitting on top of my desk.
As annoying as the ridiculous owl-turtle thing had been, I would have much preferred another visit from him over this.
He was distressingly solid-looking, and dressed in a suit of dark burgundy with a slim necktie. I had to admit that he looked kind of snappy in it, but I also thought it looked like something that might have been found in a thrift store. I wondered if it corresponded in any way to his actual appearance in real life. Did he wear suits like that in the waking world? Where did he get them? Did he blend in to human society somehow, and have a job and a house? Or did he scavenge from around the edges of it?
When I thought about it, I realized I couldn't even be sure that I was seeing his real face. It was probably a mistake to trust his appearance at all.
"You're getting cagier," he said, giving a nod of approval that made me feel dirty. "Don't worry, though. This is me. I want you to know this face. I want you to recognize me... just in case we ever, you know, pass each other on the street."
"If I could trust you enough to believe that, I wouldn't be wondering about your face in the first place," I said.
"If it's that important to you, I can arrange to show myself to you," he said. "When you're awake, I mean. Not up close, mind you... that wouldn't be safe for either one of us. Just a glimpse, to let you know I'm on the up-and-up."
"I'm so not interested in that," I said.
I saw too much of him when I was asleep. After his rather indistinct appearance in the last dream he'd featured in, I had been hoping he was on his way out. I remembered I'd resolved to find out how to keep him out for good, whether it took mental healing or more exposure to Amaranth's divine power or what. Faced with him, Ian's plan on learning mental defense from Dee made a lot more sense.
"So, I'm guessing the thing that happened last night knocked down whatever barriers were in my head or opened up the passages you'd followed before," I said.
"That's a good thought," he said.
"Does that mean that you don't know but think it sounds plausible, or that you do know but don't want to give me any information about the ins and outs of mental invasion?" I asked.
"t means that I like that you're thinking about it," he said. "You need to think more and react less. Except for the times when it's the other way around. Your problem isn't that you don't think, or that you overthink... it's that you think about the wrong things. There are only so many hours in the day and only so many thoughts can fit inside a head. Anyway, I told you that I'd teach you how to keep me out if you wanted me to."
"On the subject of mental intrusion... I noticed you didn't show up for the party," I said. "Feeling uncharacteristically shy?"
"Uncharacteristic nothing... I like to keep a low profile," he said. "I'm much better dealing with people one-on-one than I am dealing with crowds. There's a lesson for you there. I know you're all about finding your place and fitting in and all, but a group of people is only a few emotional degrees away from a mob, and mobs are the enemies of any god-fearing monster. And few monsters fears the gods like we do."
"Yeah, well, I don't think I'm going to be able to arrange my college life so that I'm only with people one at a time," I said. "That's a bit harder to manage when you live in the real world."
"Don't I know it... don't you be thinking that your daddy doesn't have a life outside of you, little girl," he said. "I'm a busy, busy man... got lots of irons in the fire, and vice-versa. You're lucky I can find the time to come tuck you in as often as I do. But my point is that if you want to make friends with people, try spending time with them one on one. Get to know who they are when no one else is around, and let them form their own impression of you without anybody else to sway them. There could be three people who would all give you a fair shake if they each met you by themselves, but when you run into them together they just end up upholding each other's fears and prejudices, or trying to impress each other by sniping at the easy target."
"What is this, excerpts from Hell's special edition of How To Win Friends And Charm Persons?" I asked.
"Hell's got nothing to do with it... I've had to learn the hard way how to get along with people in this world, because if I get beaten here I get beaten back to there," he said. "And I don't want that. There are those who are content to carve out their own little petty kingdoms down below, but me, I always remember that this is the world we came from, and I like to think of it as home. Besides, if I get myself banished from this plane, how am I going to keep an eye on my precious daughter?"
"You survived at least nine years without doing that... possibly longer," I said.
"Survived? Survival is for suckers," he said. "Fish sucking scum off the bottom of a pond survive. Those poor dumb things that Mercy woman calls 'half-demons' are surviving. During our long years apart since your mother died, you just barely managed to do more than survive. Don't you want more than that? Don't you need it? Don't you feel the hunger deep down in your bones for it?"
"Any time I feel hunger deep inside me, something's wrong," I said. "Am I your only child?"
"As far as I'm concerned, yes," he said.
"Does that mean you don't know about any others or you don't care about them?" I asked.
"One of these days you're going to learn not to bother with questions like that," he said. "When I answer a question, I give the answer that I mean, and I stand by it without elaboration."
"It's amazing the way you manage to make being an evasive asshole into some sort of virtue of honesty."
"I know," he said. "Sometimes I even impress myself. On the subject of impressiveness, that was quite a showing, the other day... you really
"Believe me, it wasn't for you," I said.
"Of course it wasn't," he said. "I wouldn't have had you do it for me. It was for you, and there ain't a single thing wrong with that, as your little friend pointed out."
"You didn't 'have me' do anything," I said. "I did it on my own initiative, for my own reasons."
"Said reasons being all the other people who wanted you to do it," he said. "Everyone but me. I really admire the way you're learning to stand on everybody's own two feet. But in all seriousness, you did good, and I intend to reward your performance as promised."
"I'm not interested in your reward," I said.
"It's yours, all the same," he said. "You can turn your nose up at my offer now, but the day might come when you're glad it's on the table. Now, if I'm sorting out your memories of the fight correctly, it seems you had three falls... that's three times, three separate occasions, where you can tell me to take a hike and a hike I will take. Three days you can tell your old man to give you some space and he'll listen. How does that sound?"
"Like a good start on the rest of my life," I said.
"Listen, you don't have to do anything more, you've already earned these days and there are no terms and conditions, or blackout days," he said. "So why despise the offer?"
"Because it's a trap," I said. "If I tell you to leave me alone and you do, then you can turn around and point to that any time in the future that I doubt or distrust you... point to the fact that you kept your word. But it won't mean that I can count on you to leave when it matters, or to do what you say you'll do if it goes against your interests. I could tell you to leave and get comfortable when you do, and then save the last one for the time I really need it... and that'll be the time you break your word."
"Well, if you know all that, then where's the trap in it?" he asked. "It seems to me that you're just too smart to be taken in by the likes of me, and so long as we both know it, why not enjoy what I'm giving you? You don't have to put so much faith in me that you rely on this little deal to save your skin in the future... if you honestly think I have any designs on your skin... just enough to take advantage of my generosity."
"Deals have two parties," I said. "I didn't agree to this. You just threw it forward. That's one reason not to trust it... or you. Then there's the fact that you're not listening to me when I say I'm not interested. You're already demonstrating how little you care about me and my wishes."
"So I'm supposed to prove that I'm trustworthy and that I care about your wishes by going back on my word when I said I would obey your wishes?" he said. "You're not making a whole lot of sense, I'm afraid."
"There will never come a day when I want you to leave me alone for twenty-four hours," I said. "Because the only thing I want from you is to leave me alone forever."
[Progress after one hour of writing below.]
As annoying as the ridiculous owl-turtle thing had been, I would have much preferred another visit from him than from the man who intruded on my dreams that night.
He was distressingly solid-looking, and dressed in a suit of dark burgundy with a slim necktie. I had to admit that he looked kind of snappy in it, but I also thought it looked like something that might have been found in a thrift store. I wondered if it corresponded in any way to his actual appearance in real life. Did he wear suits like that in the waking world? Where did he get them? Did he blend in to human society somehow, and have a job and a house? Or did he scavenge from around the edges of it?
When I thought about it, I realized I couldn't even be sure that I was seeing his real face. It was probably a mistake to trust his appearance at all.
"You're getting cagier," he said, giving a nod of approval that made me feel dirty. "Don't worry, though. This is me. I want you to know this face. I want you to recognize me... just in case we ever, you know, pass each other on the street."
"If I could trust you enough to believe that, I wouldn't be wondering about your face in the first place," I said.
"If it's that important to you, I can arrange to show myself to you," he said. "When you're awake, I mean. Not up close, mind you... that wouldn't be safe for either one of us. Just a glimpse, to let you know I'm on the up-and-up."
"I'm so not interested in that," I said.
I saw too much of him when I was asleep. After his rather indistinct appearance in the last dream he'd featured in, I had been hoping he was on his way out. I remembered I'd resolved to find out how to keep him out for good, whether it took mental healing or more exposure to Amaranth's divine power or what. Faced with him, Ian's plan on learning mental defense from Dee made a lot more sense.
"So, I'm guessing the thing that happened last night knocked down whatever barriers were in my head or opened up the passages you'd followed before," I said.
"That's a good thought," he said.
"Does that mean that you don't know but think it sounds plausible, or that you do know but don't want to give me any information about the ins and outs of mental invasion?" I asked.
"t means that I like that you're thinking about it," he said. "You need to think more and react less. Except for the times when it's the other way around. Your problem isn't that you don't think, or that you overthink... it's that you think about the wrong things. There are only so many hours in the day and only so many thoughts can fit inside a head. Anyway, I told you that I'd teach you how to keep me out if you wanted me to."
"On the subject of mental intrusion... I noticed you didn't show up for the party," I said. "Feeling uncharacteristically shy?"
"Uncharacteristic nothing... I like to keep a low profile," he said. "I'm much better dealing with people one-on-one than I am dealing with crowds. There's a lesson for you there. I know you're all about finding your place and fitting in and all, but a group of people is only a few emotional degrees away from a mob, and mobs are the enemies of any god-fearing monster. And few monsters fears the gods like we do."
"Yeah, well, I don't think I'm going to be able to arrange my college life so that I'm only with people one at a time," I said. "That's a bit harder to manage when you live in the real world."
"Don't I know it... don't you be thinking that your daddy doesn't have a life outside of you, little girl," he said. "I'm a busy, busy man... got lots of irons in the fire, and vice-versa. You're lucky I can find the time to come tuck you in as often as I do. But my point is that if you want to make friends with people, try spending time with them one on one. Get to know who they are when no one else is around, and let them form their own impression of you without anybody else to sway them. There could be three people who would all give you a fair shake if they each met you by themselves, but when you run into them together they just end up upholding each other's fears and prejudices, or trying to impress each other by sniping at the easy target."
"What is this, excerpts from Hell's special edition of How To Win Friends And Charm Persons?" I asked.
"Hell's got nothing to do with it... I've had to learn the hard way how to get along with people in this world, because if I get beaten here I get beaten back to there," he said. "And I don't want that. There are those who are content to carve out their own little petty kingdoms down below, but me, I always remember that this is the world we came from, and I like to think of it as home. Besides, if I get myself banished from this plane, how am I going to keep an eye on my precious daughter?"
"You survived at least nine years without doing that... possibly longer," I said.
"Survived? Survival is for suckers," he said. "Fish sucking scum off the bottom of a pond survive. Those poor dumb things that Mercy woman calls 'half-demons' are surviving. During our long years apart since your mother died, you just barely managed to do more than survive. Don't you want more than that? Don't you need it? Don't you feel the hunger deep down in your bones for it?"
"Any time I feel hunger deep inside me, something's wrong," I said. "Am I your only child?"
"As far as I'm concerned, yes," he said.
"Does that mean you don't know about any others or you don't care about them?" I asked.
"One of these days you're going to learn not to bother with questions like that," he said. "When I answer a question, I give the answer that I mean, and I stand by it without elaboration."
"It's amazing the way you manage to make being an evasive asshole into some sort of virtue of honesty."
"I know," he said. "Sometimes I even impress myself. On the subject of impressiveness, that was quite a showing, the other day... you really
"Believe me, it wasn't for you," I said.
"Of course it wasn't," he said. "I wouldn't have had you do it for me. It was for you, and there ain't a single thing wrong with that, as your little friend pointed out."
"You didn't 'have me' do anything," I said. "I did it on my own initiative, for my own reasons."
"Said reasons being all the other people who wanted you to do it," he said. "Everyone but me. I really admire the way you're learning to stand on everybody's own two feet. But in all seriousness, you did good, and I intend to reward your performance as promised."
"I'm not interested in your reward," I said.
"It's yours, all the same," he said. "You can turn your nose up at my offer now, but the day might come when you're glad it's on the table. Now, if I'm sorting out your memories of the fight correctly, it seems you had three falls... that's three times, three separate occasions, where you can tell me to take a hike and a hike I will take. Three days you can tell your old man to give you some space and he'll listen. How does that sound?"
"Like a good start on the rest of my life," I said.
"Listen, you don't have to do anything more, you've already earned these days and there are no terms and conditions, or blackout days," he said. "So why despise the offer?"
"Because it's a trap," I said. "If I tell you to leave me alone and you do, then you can turn around and point to that any time in the future that I doubt or distrust you... point to the fact that you kept your word. But it won't mean that I can count on you to leave when it matters, or to do what you say you'll do if it goes against your interests. I could tell you to leave and get comfortable when you do, and then save the last one for the time I really need it... and that'll be the time you break your word."
"Well, if you know all that, then where's the trap in it?" he asked. "It seems to me that you're just too smart to be taken in by the likes of me, and so long as we both know it, why not enjoy what I'm giving you? You don't have to put so much faith in me that you rely on this little deal to save your skin in the future... if you honestly think I have any designs on your skin... just enough to take advantage of my generosity."
"Deals have two parties," I said. "I didn't agree to this. You just threw it forward. That's one reason not to trust it... or you. Then there's the fact that you're not listening to me when I say I'm not interested. You're already demonstrating how little you care about me and my wishes."
"So I'm supposed to prove that I'm trustworthy and that I care about your wishes by going back on my word when I said I would obey your wishes?" he said. "You're not making a whole lot of sense, I'm afraid."
"There will never come a day when I want you to leave me alone for twenty-four hours," I said. "Because the only thing I want from you is to leave me alone forever."
[Progress after half an hour of writing below.]
He was distressingly solid-looking. After his rather indistinct appearance in the last dream he'd featured in, I had been hoping he was on his way out. I remembered I'd resolved to find out how to keep him out for good, whether it took mental healing or more exposure to Amaranth's divine power or what. Faced with him, Ian's plan on learning mental defense from Dee made a lot more sense.
"So, I'm guessing the thing that happened last night knocked down whatever barriers were in my head or opened up the passages you'd followed before," I said.
"That's a good thought," he said.
"Does that mean that you don't know but think it sounds plausible, or that you do know but don't want to give me any information about the ins and outs of mental invasion?" I asked.
"t means that I like that you're thinking about it," he said. "You need to think more and react less. Except for the times when it's the other way around. Your problem isn't that you don't think, or that you overthink... it's that you think about the wrong things. There are only so many hours in the day and only so many thoughts can fit inside a head. Anyway, I told you that I'd teach you how to keep me out if you wanted me to."
"I noticed you didn't show up for the party," I said.
"I like to keep a low profile," he said. "I'm much better dealing with people one-on-one than I am dealing with crowds. There's a lesson for you there. I know you're all about finding your place and fitting in and all, but a group of people is only a few emotional degrees away from a mob, and mobs are the enemies of any god-fearing monster. And few monsters fears the gods like we do."
"Yeah, well, I don't think I'm going to be able to arrange my college life so that I'm only with people one at a time," I said. "That's a bit harder to manage when you live in the real world."
"Don't I know it... don't you be thinking that your daddy doesn't have a life outside of you, little girl," he said. "I'm a busy, busy man... got lots of irons in the fire, and vice-versa. You're lucky I can find the time to come tuck you in as often as I do. But my point is that if you want to make friends with people, try spending time with them one on one. Get to know who they are when no one else is around, and let them form their own impression of you without anybody else to sway them. There could be three people who would all give you a fair shake if they each met you by themselves, but when you run into them together they just end up upholding each other's fears and prejudices, or trying to impress each other by sniping at the easy target."
"What is this, excerpts from Hell's special edition of How To Win Friends And Charm Persons?" I asked.
"Hell's got nothing to do with it... I've had to learn the hard way how to get along with people in this world, because if I get beaten here I get beaten back to there," he said. "And I don't want that. There are those who are content to carve out their own little petty kingdoms down below, but me, I always remember that this is the world we came from, and I like to think of it as home. Besides, if I get myself banished from this plane, how am I going to keep an eye on my daughter?"
"Am I your only child?" I asked.
"Only one worth speaking of," he said. "Or to."
[][][][][][]
"Well, now," he said. "That was quite a showing, the other day."
"Believe me, it wasn't for you," I said.
"Of course it wasn't," he said. "I wouldn't have had you do it for me. It was for you, and there ain't a single thing wrong with that, as your little friend pointed out."
"You didn't 'have me' do anything," I said. "I did it on my own initiative, for my own reasons."
"Said reasons being all the other people who wanted you to do it," he said. "Everyone but me. I really admire the way you're learning to stand on everybody's own two feet."
[][][][][][][]
"Why despise it?" he asked.
"Because it's a trap," I said. "If I tell you to leave me alone and you do, then you can turn around and point to that any time in the future that I doubt or distrust you... point to the fact that you kept your word. But it won't mean that I can count on you to leave when it matters, or to do what you say you'll do if it goes against your interests. I could tell you to leave and get comfortable when you do, and then save the last one for the time I really need it... and that'll be the time you break your word."
"Well, if you know all that, then where's the trap?" he asked. "It seems to me that you're just too smart to be taken in by the likes of me, and so long as we both know it, why not enjoy what I'm giving you? You don't have to put so much faith in me that you rely on this little deal to save your skin in the future... if you honestly think I have any designs on your skin... just enough to take advantage of my generosity."
"Deals have two parties," I said. "I didn't agree to this. You just threw it forward."