Magic Under Construction: TOMU #477
Jan. 3rd, 2011 07:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alexandraerinStory Began: 6:30 PM, 1/3/2011
Status: In progress (10:30 PM)
Word Count: ~1750
Time Writing: 2.5 hours
Progress after 2.5 hours:
"Hey... you still don't have class for a while, do you?" Ian asked me, following along beside me as the others headed off to their own destinations.
"Not until after ten," I said. "Why? Was there something you wanted to, um, do?"
I hadn't meant to make that sound suggestive, until the last second when it occurred to me that it could be... that it was perfectly likely that Ian had that sort of thing on his mind. By that point, though, it was a little late to be taking the sentence in another direction, so it only sounded suggestive of someone who has trouble speaking, or who needs to swallow a mouthful of air every once in a while to live.
"Um, sort of," he said. "But... also... and on a somewhat similar subject... there was something else I wanted to talk to you about. Your thing kind of took precedence, and then I didn't want to talk about this in front of others, but I don't want us to forget about it, either."
"What's up?" I asked.
"Well, I wanted to make sure you remembered about the whole 'unprotected sex' thing we did," he said. "I went over last night and got a cure disease... I wanted to make sure you're, you know, covered, too."
"It hasn't exactly been at the forefront of my mind, but I haven't forgotten about it," I said. "Though, thank you for reminding me."
"So, I take it that means you haven't done anything about it," Ian said.
"Not yet," I admitted.
"Well, we should get that taken care of," he said. "Before it slips from the forefront of your mind again."
I gave him a bit of a look, but only a bit of one... he deserved that much, I felt, but no more. And also my mind was turning things over inside. It seemed like it might be cutting things close if I went right that moment... my Thaumatology lecture wasn't for a while, and Professor Goldman did not have a strict attendance policy so there would be no real consequences if I walked in a minute or fifteen late.
On the other hand, though, I was pretty sure that if I were even a single minute late because I'd had to go to the healing center as a result of a night of sex, then the entire classroom would be made aware of it somehow, possibly by glowing red brands that would spontaneously appear on my face.
I had a nice long block of time with no responsibilities that began right after that lecture. So even if it ended up taking some time, I'd be alright.
"You're taking an awful long time to figure out how to say 'Yes, Ian, that's a great idea'," Ian said.
"Yes, Ian, that's a great idea," I said. "Except I'm thinking it might be better to do it after my first class, when I don't have anywhere I need to be for hours and hours. In fact..."
"In fact you've realized it's better to do it tomorrow, when you have no classes," Ian said. "Or during winter break, when you can take a few days to recover?"
"I'm really not trying to put it off," I said. "But I don't know how long it'll take, and what they'll actually have to do, or be able to do for me... remember, it's not just disease... or even mainly disease... that I'm worried about."
"I'm not exactly an expert in the field... I mean, in that side of the field," Ian said, "but I'm pretty sure that finding out sooner is better than finding out later, you know?"
"I'm pretty sure if the answer is 'yes' then I'm equally fucked whether I find out today or tomorrow," I said. "And if it's 'no'... well, the answer will wait another day, won't it?"
"But the sooner we find out, the sooner we can figure out what to do," Ian said. "If it's 'yes'."
"Except that if I find out that I am... well, that I am... right now, then I won't be able to sit around and figure out what to do, I'm going to have to dash off to class," I said. "Where ideally I'm going to have to pay attention to things other than the state and contents of my uterus. And then I'm going to have to do that twice more before the day is over, and Ian, I'm really not sure that I'm up to that."
"But won't you do the same thing not knowing?" Ian asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I have a lot of confidence in my ability to push unknown troubles to the back of my mind and forget about them... for a little while, I mean. Just to get through the day."
"And the day after that?"
"Is the weekend," I said. "I have that whole day and another one after it in which I could fall completely to pieces and then pull myself together."
"You know it's entirely possible that you're not, right?" he said. "Likely, even. I mean... one time."
"Yeah," I said. "If I thought it really were likely, I'd be falling to pieces already. I just don't want to have to deal with this right now. Is that okay? I'm not saying I won't deal with it. Just not right now."
"Okay," he said. "I just... well, I didn't want to see it falling by the wayside."
"Besides," I said, "if I do it tomorrow, I could also, well, maybe make a stop in next door, while I'm over there."
"Next door?"
"At the mental healing center," I said.
"Do you really think you'll need it?"
"In response to being pregnant? Not specifically, but... well... I don't think it would hurt," I said. "But it has crossed my mind before. Amaranth is of the opinion that I should demand they bring in a specialist who can handle my mind..."
"Funny, you say that like you don't hold her opinion in very high regard," Ian said.
"I do," I said. "But that just seems like making too much of a big deal. Anyway, I'm not saying I'd be opposed to the idea. Maybe if I walk in there and explain my situation, they'll suggest it themselves."
"You can't count on other people to guess what you need and speak up for you," Ian said. "Even if they are mind-readers."
"I know," I said. "I just... well, it'll be less awkward if they do, don't you think?"
"I think that conversation probably wouldn't even register on the awkwardness scale for people who are paid to listen to college students talk about their personal and emotional problems," Ian said. "'I may not be a fan of everything that Amaranth comes up with, but a good idea is a good idea."
"Was that preface really necessary?"
"Well, it's true," he said. "And I don't want my support of her to come across as, like, reinforcing something. You don't have to defer to her just because... you know... your relationship."
He blushed slightly when he said that. It was a little surprising to see Ian being so delicate about something sexual, after everything we'd done and everything we'd been through... but then, it didn't seem like it was the sex, per se, that was bothering him.
"You seem a lot more comfortable about the whole submission thing when I'm submitting to you," I said.
"Maybe so," he said, with a tiny edge of defensiveness. "And maybe there are some, you know, underlying issues there. But I'm also okay with Amarnath dominating you in the bedroom, in the heat of the moment, too."
"So, basically, you're okay with it as a kinky sex thing but you don't think she should be trying to tell me how to live my life?" I asked.
"Basically, yeah," Ian said.
"So... all this talk about when I should go to the healing center and what I should do when I get there is...?"
"Um, heartfelt advice?" Ian said, turning even pinker. "Seriously, it's your life, your body and your brain... you can do what you want with them."
"Thank you for acknowledging that," I said. "And of course part of that is submitting to Amaranth. I choose to do that. And I'll do it for you, when you want me to... but I'm afraid I have to make up my own mind about this mental healing stuff. I don't think it'll work so well if I'm not there willingly and enthusiastically, you know? I have to come at it in a way that it makes sense to me to be there."
"I guess that makes sense," he said.
Now that I was thinking along those lines, it seemed to me like submission might be an interesting angle to explore when it came to visiting the healing center.
I was nervous about dealing with both sides, the physical and the mental... not just nervous, but apprehensive. The difference was that nerves tended to make my stomach quake and my limbs tremble, while apprehension sort of rooted me to the spot. I could deal with the former. The latter would make it difficult to actually walk in through the door.
But if I looked at it as something I was submitting myself to... well, then it seemed to matter less if I didn't know what I was in for or what was expected of me. It didn't matter if I was apprehensive. I would just go in because I had to, and follow the cues I was given. Do what I was told. That was simple enough, wasn't it?
Despite what I'd said to Ian, postponing the trip to the healing center did not actually do all that much to aid my ability to concentrate during class. Being pregnant hadn't been much more than a passing worry before, but with something like that, it was hard to know how much thought it actually merited.
Progress after 2 hours, with a few interruptions:
"Hey... you still don't have class for a while, do you?" Ian asked me, following along beside me as the others headed off to their own destinations.
"Not until after ten," I said. "Why? Was there something you wanted to, um, do?"
I hadn't meant to make that sound suggestive, until the last second when it occurred to me that it could be... that it was perfectly likely that Ian had that sort of thing on his mind. By that point, though, it was a little late to be taking the sentence in another direction, so it only sounded suggestive of someone who has trouble speaking, or who needs to swallow a mouthful of air every once in a while to live.
"Um, sort of," he said. "But... also... and on a somewhat similar subject... there was something else I wanted to talk to you about. Your thing kind of took precedence, and then I didn't want to talk about this in front of others, but I don't want us to forget about it, either."
"What's up?" I asked.
"Well, I wanted to make sure you remembered about the whole 'unprotected sex' thing we did," he said. "I went over last night and got a cure disease... I wanted to make sure you're, you know, covered, too."
"It hasn't exactly been at the forefront of my mind, but I haven't forgotten about it," I said. "Though, thank you for reminding me."
"So, I take it that means you haven't done anything about it," Ian said.
"Not yet," I admitted.
"Well, we should get that taken care of," he said. "Before it slips from the forefront of your mind again."
I gave him a bit of a look, but only a bit of one... he deserved that much, I felt, but no more. And also my mind was turning things over inside. It seemed like it might be cutting things close if I went right that moment... my Thaumatology lecture wasn't for a while, and Professor Goldman did not have a strict attendance policy so there would be no real consequences if I walked in a minute or fifteen late.
On the other hand, though, I was pretty sure that if I were even a single minute late because I'd had to go to the healing center as a result of a night of sex, then the entire classroom would be made aware of it somehow, possibly by glowing red brands that would spontaneously appear on my face.
I had a nice long block of time with no responsibilities that began right after that lecture. So even if it ended up taking some time, I'd be alright.
"You're taking an awful long time to figure out how to say 'Yes, Ian, that's a great idea'," Ian said.
"Yes, Ian, that's a great idea," I said. "Except I'm thinking it might be better to do it after my first class, when I don't have anywhere I need to be for hours and hours. In fact..."
"In fact you've realized it's better to do it tomorrow, when you have no classes," Ian said. "Or during winter break, when you can take a few days to recover?"
"I'm really not trying to put it off," I said. "But I don't know how long it'll take, and what they'll actually have to do, or be able to do for me... remember, it's not just disease... or even mainly disease... that I'm worried about."
"I'm not exactly an expert in the field... I mean, in that side of the field," Ian said, "but I'm pretty sure that finding out sooner is better than finding out later, you know?"
"I'm pretty sure if the answer is 'yes' then I'm equally fucked whether I find out today or tomorrow," I said. "And if it's 'no'... well, the answer will wait another day, won't it?"
"But the sooner we find out, the sooner we can figure out what to do," Ian said. "If it's 'yes'."
"Except that if I find out that I am... well, that I am... right now, then I won't be able to sit around and figure out what to do, I'm going to have to dash off to class," I said. "Where ideally I'm going to have to pay attention to things other than the state and contents of my uterus. And then I'm going to have to do that twice more before the day is over, and Ian, I'm really not sure that I'm up to that."
"But won't you do the same thing not knowing?" Ian asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I have a lot of confidence in my ability to push unknown troubles to the back of my mind and forget about them... for a little while, I mean. Just to get through the day."
"And the day after that?"
"Is the weekend," I said. "I have that whole day and another one after it in which I could fall completely to pieces and then pull myself together."
"You know it's entirely possible that you're not, right?" he said. "Likely, even. I mean... one time."
"Yeah," I said. "If I thought it really were likely, I'd be falling to pieces already. I just don't want to have to deal with this right now. Is that okay? I'm not saying I won't deal with it. Just not right now."
"Okay," he said. "I just... well, I didn't want to see it falling by the wayside."
"Besides," I said, "if I do it tomorrow, I could also, well, maybe make a stop in next door, while I'm over there."
"Next door?"
"At the mental healing center," I said.
"Do you really think you'll need it?"
"In response to being pregnant? Not specifically, but... well... I don't think it would hurt," I said. "But it has crossed my mind before. Amaranth is of the opinion that I should demand they bring in a specialist who can handle my mind..."
"Funny, you say that like you don't hold her opinion in very high regard," Ian said.
"I do," I said. "But that just seems like making too much of a big deal. Anyway, I'm not saying I'd be opposed to the idea. Maybe if I walk in there and explain my situation, they'll suggest it themselves."
"You can't count on other people to guess what you need and speak up for you," Ian said. "Even if they are mind-readers."
"I know," I said. "I just... well, it'll be less awkward if they do, don't you think?"
"I think that conversation probably wouldn't even register on the awkwardness scale for people who are paid to listen to college students talk about their personal and emotional problems," Ian said. "'I may not be a fan of everything that Amaranth comes up with, but a good idea is a good idea."
"Was that preface really necessary?"
"Well, it's true," he said. "And I don't want my []
"I do have my own brain," I said.
"Yeah," he said. "But you've consciously chosen to use that brain to do what she tells you, a lot of the time."
"
[]
"Well, for one thing...
[]
Despite what I'd said to Ian, postponing the trip to the healing center did not actually do all that much to aid my ability to concentrate during class. Being pregnant hadn't been much more than a passing worry before, but with something like that, it was hard to know how much thought it actually merited.
Progress at 1 hour mark:
"Hey... you still don't have class for a while, do you?" Ian asked me, following along beside me as the others headed off to their own destinations.
"Not until after ten," I said. "Why? Was there something you wanted to, um, do?"
I hadn't meant to make that sound suggestive, until the last second when it occurred to me that it could be... that it was perfectly likely that Ian had that sort of thing on his mind. By that point, though, it was a little late to be taking the sentence in another direction, so it only sounded suggestive of someone who has trouble speaking, or who needs to swallow a mouthful of air every once in a while to live.
"Um, sort of," he said. "But... also... and on a somewhat similar subject... there was something else I wanted to talk to you about. Your thing kind of took precedence, and then I didn't want to talk about this in front of others, but I don't want us to forget about it, either."
"What's up?" I asked.
"Well, I wanted to make sure you remembered about the whole 'unprotected sex' thing we did," he said. "I went over last night and got a cure disease... I wanted to make sure you're, you know, covered, too."
"It hasn't exactly been at the forefront of my mind, but I haven't forgotten about it," I said. "Though, thank you for reminding me."
"So, I take it that means you haven't done anything about it," Ian said.
"Not yet," I admitted.
"Well, we should get that taken care of," he said. "Before it slips from the forefront of your mind again."
I gave him a bit of a look, but only a bit of one... he deserved that much, I felt, but no more. And also my mind was turning things over inside. It seemed like it might be cutting things close if I went right that moment... my Thaumatology lecture wasn't for a while, and Professor Goldman did not have a strict attendance policy so there would be no real consequences if I walked in a minute or fifteen late.
On the other hand, though, I was pretty sure that if I were even a single minute late because I'd had to go to the healing center as a result of a night of sex, then the entire classroom would be made aware of it somehow, possibly by glowing red brands that would spontaneously appear on my face.
I had a nice long block of time with no responsibilities that began right after that lecture. So even if it ended up taking some time, I'd be alright.
"You're taking an awful long time to figure out how to say 'Yes, Ian, that's a great idea'," Ian said.
"Yes, Ian, that's a great idea," I said. "Except I'm thinking it might be better to do it after my first class, when I don't have anywhere I need to be for hours and hours. In fact..."
"In fact you've realized it's better to do it tomorrow, when you have no classes," Ian said. "Or during winter break, when you can take a few days to recover?"
"I'm really not trying to put it off," I said. "But I don't know how long it'll take, and what they'll actually have to do, or be able to do for me... remember, it's not just disease... or even mainly disease... that I'm worried about."
"I'm not exactly an expert in the field... I mean, in that side of the field," Ian said, "but I'm pretty sure that finding out sooner is better than finding out later, you know?"
"I'm pretty sure if the answer is 'yes' then I'm equally fucked whether I find out today or tomorrow," I said. "And if it's 'no'... well, the answer will wait another day, won't it?"
"But the sooner we find out, the sooner we can figure out what to do," Ian said. "If it's 'yes'."
"Except that if I find out that I am... well, that I am... right now, then I won't be able to sit around and figure out what to do, I'm going to have to dash off to class," I said. "Where ideally I'm going to have to pay attention to things other than the state and contents of my uterus. And then I'm going to have to do that twice more before the day is over, and Ian, I'm really not sure that I'm up to that."
"But won't you do the same thing not knowing?" Ian asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I have a lot of confidence in my ability to push unknown troubles to the back of my mind and forget about them... for a little while, I mean. Just to get through the day."
"And the day after that?"
"Is the weekend," I said. "I have that whole day and another one after it in which I could fall completely to pieces and then pull myself together."
"You know it's entirely possible that you're not, right?" he said. "Likely, even. I mean... one time."
"Yeah," I said. "If I thought it really were likely, I'd be falling to pieces already. I just don't want to have to deal with this right now. Is that okay? I'm not saying I won't deal with it. Just not right now."
"Okay," he said. "I just... well, I didn't want to see it falling by the wayside."
"Besides," I said, "if I do it tomorrow, I could also, well, maybe make a stop in next door, while I'm over there."
"Next door?"
"At the mental healing center," I said.
"Do you really think you'll need it?"
"In response to being pregnant? Not specifically, but... well... I don't think it would hurt," I said. "But it has crossed my mind before. Amaranth is of the opinion that I should demand they bring in a specialist who can handle my mind..."
"Funny, you say that like you don't hold her opinion in very high regard," Ian said.
"I do," I said. "But that just seems like making too much of a big deal. Anyway, I'm not saying I'd be opposed to the idea. Maybe if I walk in there and explain my situation, they'll suggest it themselves."
Status: In progress (10:30 PM)
Word Count: ~1750
Time Writing: 2.5 hours
Progress after 2.5 hours:
"Hey... you still don't have class for a while, do you?" Ian asked me, following along beside me as the others headed off to their own destinations.
"Not until after ten," I said. "Why? Was there something you wanted to, um, do?"
I hadn't meant to make that sound suggestive, until the last second when it occurred to me that it could be... that it was perfectly likely that Ian had that sort of thing on his mind. By that point, though, it was a little late to be taking the sentence in another direction, so it only sounded suggestive of someone who has trouble speaking, or who needs to swallow a mouthful of air every once in a while to live.
"Um, sort of," he said. "But... also... and on a somewhat similar subject... there was something else I wanted to talk to you about. Your thing kind of took precedence, and then I didn't want to talk about this in front of others, but I don't want us to forget about it, either."
"What's up?" I asked.
"Well, I wanted to make sure you remembered about the whole 'unprotected sex' thing we did," he said. "I went over last night and got a cure disease... I wanted to make sure you're, you know, covered, too."
"It hasn't exactly been at the forefront of my mind, but I haven't forgotten about it," I said. "Though, thank you for reminding me."
"So, I take it that means you haven't done anything about it," Ian said.
"Not yet," I admitted.
"Well, we should get that taken care of," he said. "Before it slips from the forefront of your mind again."
I gave him a bit of a look, but only a bit of one... he deserved that much, I felt, but no more. And also my mind was turning things over inside. It seemed like it might be cutting things close if I went right that moment... my Thaumatology lecture wasn't for a while, and Professor Goldman did not have a strict attendance policy so there would be no real consequences if I walked in a minute or fifteen late.
On the other hand, though, I was pretty sure that if I were even a single minute late because I'd had to go to the healing center as a result of a night of sex, then the entire classroom would be made aware of it somehow, possibly by glowing red brands that would spontaneously appear on my face.
I had a nice long block of time with no responsibilities that began right after that lecture. So even if it ended up taking some time, I'd be alright.
"You're taking an awful long time to figure out how to say 'Yes, Ian, that's a great idea'," Ian said.
"Yes, Ian, that's a great idea," I said. "Except I'm thinking it might be better to do it after my first class, when I don't have anywhere I need to be for hours and hours. In fact..."
"In fact you've realized it's better to do it tomorrow, when you have no classes," Ian said. "Or during winter break, when you can take a few days to recover?"
"I'm really not trying to put it off," I said. "But I don't know how long it'll take, and what they'll actually have to do, or be able to do for me... remember, it's not just disease... or even mainly disease... that I'm worried about."
"I'm not exactly an expert in the field... I mean, in that side of the field," Ian said, "but I'm pretty sure that finding out sooner is better than finding out later, you know?"
"I'm pretty sure if the answer is 'yes' then I'm equally fucked whether I find out today or tomorrow," I said. "And if it's 'no'... well, the answer will wait another day, won't it?"
"But the sooner we find out, the sooner we can figure out what to do," Ian said. "If it's 'yes'."
"Except that if I find out that I am... well, that I am... right now, then I won't be able to sit around and figure out what to do, I'm going to have to dash off to class," I said. "Where ideally I'm going to have to pay attention to things other than the state and contents of my uterus. And then I'm going to have to do that twice more before the day is over, and Ian, I'm really not sure that I'm up to that."
"But won't you do the same thing not knowing?" Ian asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I have a lot of confidence in my ability to push unknown troubles to the back of my mind and forget about them... for a little while, I mean. Just to get through the day."
"And the day after that?"
"Is the weekend," I said. "I have that whole day and another one after it in which I could fall completely to pieces and then pull myself together."
"You know it's entirely possible that you're not, right?" he said. "Likely, even. I mean... one time."
"Yeah," I said. "If I thought it really were likely, I'd be falling to pieces already. I just don't want to have to deal with this right now. Is that okay? I'm not saying I won't deal with it. Just not right now."
"Okay," he said. "I just... well, I didn't want to see it falling by the wayside."
"Besides," I said, "if I do it tomorrow, I could also, well, maybe make a stop in next door, while I'm over there."
"Next door?"
"At the mental healing center," I said.
"Do you really think you'll need it?"
"In response to being pregnant? Not specifically, but... well... I don't think it would hurt," I said. "But it has crossed my mind before. Amaranth is of the opinion that I should demand they bring in a specialist who can handle my mind..."
"Funny, you say that like you don't hold her opinion in very high regard," Ian said.
"I do," I said. "But that just seems like making too much of a big deal. Anyway, I'm not saying I'd be opposed to the idea. Maybe if I walk in there and explain my situation, they'll suggest it themselves."
"You can't count on other people to guess what you need and speak up for you," Ian said. "Even if they are mind-readers."
"I know," I said. "I just... well, it'll be less awkward if they do, don't you think?"
"I think that conversation probably wouldn't even register on the awkwardness scale for people who are paid to listen to college students talk about their personal and emotional problems," Ian said. "'I may not be a fan of everything that Amaranth comes up with, but a good idea is a good idea."
"Was that preface really necessary?"
"Well, it's true," he said. "And I don't want my support of her to come across as, like, reinforcing something. You don't have to defer to her just because... you know... your relationship."
He blushed slightly when he said that. It was a little surprising to see Ian being so delicate about something sexual, after everything we'd done and everything we'd been through... but then, it didn't seem like it was the sex, per se, that was bothering him.
"You seem a lot more comfortable about the whole submission thing when I'm submitting to you," I said.
"Maybe so," he said, with a tiny edge of defensiveness. "And maybe there are some, you know, underlying issues there. But I'm also okay with Amarnath dominating you in the bedroom, in the heat of the moment, too."
"So, basically, you're okay with it as a kinky sex thing but you don't think she should be trying to tell me how to live my life?" I asked.
"Basically, yeah," Ian said.
"So... all this talk about when I should go to the healing center and what I should do when I get there is...?"
"Um, heartfelt advice?" Ian said, turning even pinker. "Seriously, it's your life, your body and your brain... you can do what you want with them."
"Thank you for acknowledging that," I said. "And of course part of that is submitting to Amaranth. I choose to do that. And I'll do it for you, when you want me to... but I'm afraid I have to make up my own mind about this mental healing stuff. I don't think it'll work so well if I'm not there willingly and enthusiastically, you know? I have to come at it in a way that it makes sense to me to be there."
"I guess that makes sense," he said.
Now that I was thinking along those lines, it seemed to me like submission might be an interesting angle to explore when it came to visiting the healing center.
I was nervous about dealing with both sides, the physical and the mental... not just nervous, but apprehensive. The difference was that nerves tended to make my stomach quake and my limbs tremble, while apprehension sort of rooted me to the spot. I could deal with the former. The latter would make it difficult to actually walk in through the door.
But if I looked at it as something I was submitting myself to... well, then it seemed to matter less if I didn't know what I was in for or what was expected of me. It didn't matter if I was apprehensive. I would just go in because I had to, and follow the cues I was given. Do what I was told. That was simple enough, wasn't it?
Despite what I'd said to Ian, postponing the trip to the healing center did not actually do all that much to aid my ability to concentrate during class. Being pregnant hadn't been much more than a passing worry before, but with something like that, it was hard to know how much thought it actually merited.
Progress after 2 hours, with a few interruptions:
"Hey... you still don't have class for a while, do you?" Ian asked me, following along beside me as the others headed off to their own destinations.
"Not until after ten," I said. "Why? Was there something you wanted to, um, do?"
I hadn't meant to make that sound suggestive, until the last second when it occurred to me that it could be... that it was perfectly likely that Ian had that sort of thing on his mind. By that point, though, it was a little late to be taking the sentence in another direction, so it only sounded suggestive of someone who has trouble speaking, or who needs to swallow a mouthful of air every once in a while to live.
"Um, sort of," he said. "But... also... and on a somewhat similar subject... there was something else I wanted to talk to you about. Your thing kind of took precedence, and then I didn't want to talk about this in front of others, but I don't want us to forget about it, either."
"What's up?" I asked.
"Well, I wanted to make sure you remembered about the whole 'unprotected sex' thing we did," he said. "I went over last night and got a cure disease... I wanted to make sure you're, you know, covered, too."
"It hasn't exactly been at the forefront of my mind, but I haven't forgotten about it," I said. "Though, thank you for reminding me."
"So, I take it that means you haven't done anything about it," Ian said.
"Not yet," I admitted.
"Well, we should get that taken care of," he said. "Before it slips from the forefront of your mind again."
I gave him a bit of a look, but only a bit of one... he deserved that much, I felt, but no more. And also my mind was turning things over inside. It seemed like it might be cutting things close if I went right that moment... my Thaumatology lecture wasn't for a while, and Professor Goldman did not have a strict attendance policy so there would be no real consequences if I walked in a minute or fifteen late.
On the other hand, though, I was pretty sure that if I were even a single minute late because I'd had to go to the healing center as a result of a night of sex, then the entire classroom would be made aware of it somehow, possibly by glowing red brands that would spontaneously appear on my face.
I had a nice long block of time with no responsibilities that began right after that lecture. So even if it ended up taking some time, I'd be alright.
"You're taking an awful long time to figure out how to say 'Yes, Ian, that's a great idea'," Ian said.
"Yes, Ian, that's a great idea," I said. "Except I'm thinking it might be better to do it after my first class, when I don't have anywhere I need to be for hours and hours. In fact..."
"In fact you've realized it's better to do it tomorrow, when you have no classes," Ian said. "Or during winter break, when you can take a few days to recover?"
"I'm really not trying to put it off," I said. "But I don't know how long it'll take, and what they'll actually have to do, or be able to do for me... remember, it's not just disease... or even mainly disease... that I'm worried about."
"I'm not exactly an expert in the field... I mean, in that side of the field," Ian said, "but I'm pretty sure that finding out sooner is better than finding out later, you know?"
"I'm pretty sure if the answer is 'yes' then I'm equally fucked whether I find out today or tomorrow," I said. "And if it's 'no'... well, the answer will wait another day, won't it?"
"But the sooner we find out, the sooner we can figure out what to do," Ian said. "If it's 'yes'."
"Except that if I find out that I am... well, that I am... right now, then I won't be able to sit around and figure out what to do, I'm going to have to dash off to class," I said. "Where ideally I'm going to have to pay attention to things other than the state and contents of my uterus. And then I'm going to have to do that twice more before the day is over, and Ian, I'm really not sure that I'm up to that."
"But won't you do the same thing not knowing?" Ian asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I have a lot of confidence in my ability to push unknown troubles to the back of my mind and forget about them... for a little while, I mean. Just to get through the day."
"And the day after that?"
"Is the weekend," I said. "I have that whole day and another one after it in which I could fall completely to pieces and then pull myself together."
"You know it's entirely possible that you're not, right?" he said. "Likely, even. I mean... one time."
"Yeah," I said. "If I thought it really were likely, I'd be falling to pieces already. I just don't want to have to deal with this right now. Is that okay? I'm not saying I won't deal with it. Just not right now."
"Okay," he said. "I just... well, I didn't want to see it falling by the wayside."
"Besides," I said, "if I do it tomorrow, I could also, well, maybe make a stop in next door, while I'm over there."
"Next door?"
"At the mental healing center," I said.
"Do you really think you'll need it?"
"In response to being pregnant? Not specifically, but... well... I don't think it would hurt," I said. "But it has crossed my mind before. Amaranth is of the opinion that I should demand they bring in a specialist who can handle my mind..."
"Funny, you say that like you don't hold her opinion in very high regard," Ian said.
"I do," I said. "But that just seems like making too much of a big deal. Anyway, I'm not saying I'd be opposed to the idea. Maybe if I walk in there and explain my situation, they'll suggest it themselves."
"You can't count on other people to guess what you need and speak up for you," Ian said. "Even if they are mind-readers."
"I know," I said. "I just... well, it'll be less awkward if they do, don't you think?"
"I think that conversation probably wouldn't even register on the awkwardness scale for people who are paid to listen to college students talk about their personal and emotional problems," Ian said. "'I may not be a fan of everything that Amaranth comes up with, but a good idea is a good idea."
"Was that preface really necessary?"
"Well, it's true," he said. "And I don't want my []
"I do have my own brain," I said.
"Yeah," he said. "But you've consciously chosen to use that brain to do what she tells you, a lot of the time."
"
[]
"Well, for one thing...
[]
Despite what I'd said to Ian, postponing the trip to the healing center did not actually do all that much to aid my ability to concentrate during class. Being pregnant hadn't been much more than a passing worry before, but with something like that, it was hard to know how much thought it actually merited.
Progress at 1 hour mark:
"Hey... you still don't have class for a while, do you?" Ian asked me, following along beside me as the others headed off to their own destinations.
"Not until after ten," I said. "Why? Was there something you wanted to, um, do?"
I hadn't meant to make that sound suggestive, until the last second when it occurred to me that it could be... that it was perfectly likely that Ian had that sort of thing on his mind. By that point, though, it was a little late to be taking the sentence in another direction, so it only sounded suggestive of someone who has trouble speaking, or who needs to swallow a mouthful of air every once in a while to live.
"Um, sort of," he said. "But... also... and on a somewhat similar subject... there was something else I wanted to talk to you about. Your thing kind of took precedence, and then I didn't want to talk about this in front of others, but I don't want us to forget about it, either."
"What's up?" I asked.
"Well, I wanted to make sure you remembered about the whole 'unprotected sex' thing we did," he said. "I went over last night and got a cure disease... I wanted to make sure you're, you know, covered, too."
"It hasn't exactly been at the forefront of my mind, but I haven't forgotten about it," I said. "Though, thank you for reminding me."
"So, I take it that means you haven't done anything about it," Ian said.
"Not yet," I admitted.
"Well, we should get that taken care of," he said. "Before it slips from the forefront of your mind again."
I gave him a bit of a look, but only a bit of one... he deserved that much, I felt, but no more. And also my mind was turning things over inside. It seemed like it might be cutting things close if I went right that moment... my Thaumatology lecture wasn't for a while, and Professor Goldman did not have a strict attendance policy so there would be no real consequences if I walked in a minute or fifteen late.
On the other hand, though, I was pretty sure that if I were even a single minute late because I'd had to go to the healing center as a result of a night of sex, then the entire classroom would be made aware of it somehow, possibly by glowing red brands that would spontaneously appear on my face.
I had a nice long block of time with no responsibilities that began right after that lecture. So even if it ended up taking some time, I'd be alright.
"You're taking an awful long time to figure out how to say 'Yes, Ian, that's a great idea'," Ian said.
"Yes, Ian, that's a great idea," I said. "Except I'm thinking it might be better to do it after my first class, when I don't have anywhere I need to be for hours and hours. In fact..."
"In fact you've realized it's better to do it tomorrow, when you have no classes," Ian said. "Or during winter break, when you can take a few days to recover?"
"I'm really not trying to put it off," I said. "But I don't know how long it'll take, and what they'll actually have to do, or be able to do for me... remember, it's not just disease... or even mainly disease... that I'm worried about."
"I'm not exactly an expert in the field... I mean, in that side of the field," Ian said, "but I'm pretty sure that finding out sooner is better than finding out later, you know?"
"I'm pretty sure if the answer is 'yes' then I'm equally fucked whether I find out today or tomorrow," I said. "And if it's 'no'... well, the answer will wait another day, won't it?"
"But the sooner we find out, the sooner we can figure out what to do," Ian said. "If it's 'yes'."
"Except that if I find out that I am... well, that I am... right now, then I won't be able to sit around and figure out what to do, I'm going to have to dash off to class," I said. "Where ideally I'm going to have to pay attention to things other than the state and contents of my uterus. And then I'm going to have to do that twice more before the day is over, and Ian, I'm really not sure that I'm up to that."
"But won't you do the same thing not knowing?" Ian asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I have a lot of confidence in my ability to push unknown troubles to the back of my mind and forget about them... for a little while, I mean. Just to get through the day."
"And the day after that?"
"Is the weekend," I said. "I have that whole day and another one after it in which I could fall completely to pieces and then pull myself together."
"You know it's entirely possible that you're not, right?" he said. "Likely, even. I mean... one time."
"Yeah," I said. "If I thought it really were likely, I'd be falling to pieces already. I just don't want to have to deal with this right now. Is that okay? I'm not saying I won't deal with it. Just not right now."
"Okay," he said. "I just... well, I didn't want to see it falling by the wayside."
"Besides," I said, "if I do it tomorrow, I could also, well, maybe make a stop in next door, while I'm over there."
"Next door?"
"At the mental healing center," I said.
"Do you really think you'll need it?"
"In response to being pregnant? Not specifically, but... well... I don't think it would hurt," I said. "But it has crossed my mind before. Amaranth is of the opinion that I should demand they bring in a specialist who can handle my mind..."
"Funny, you say that like you don't hold her opinion in very high regard," Ian said.
"I do," I said. "But that just seems like making too much of a big deal. Anyway, I'm not saying I'd be opposed to the idea. Maybe if I walk in there and explain my situation, they'll suggest it themselves."