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A note to men on the internet.
Feb. 3rd, 2010 10:06 amDear men,
Like you, I didn't have to deal with the same expectations, programming, pressure, and other suchlike baggage that cisgendered women deal with. This isn't to say that I got none of it, just that the circumstances of my birth and upbringing mean that I necessarily received less of it. We're all exposed to the same social forces, but they don't touch us all equally or push us in equal directions.
If you think of yourself as a liberal dude, as a modern man, as a feminist ally, as pro-woman, and you disapprove of the beauty standards pushed on women by mainstream society and reinforced by the media, by peer pressure, by the expectations of the workplace, and so on, this is a good thing, as far as it goes. But "as far as it goes" should not extend so far as disparaging random women you see who for whatever reasons have "given in" to those standards... and those reasons aren't likely to be apparent to you in the time it takes you to glance at them and judge them.
When you say things like "women who wear makeup are obviously masking low self-esteem" or "When I see women dressed like that, I assume they're vacuous and vapid" or otherwise make it clear that you feel comfortable dismissing the worth or intellect of a woman based on how much time and effort you perceive that she spends on keeping her appearance in line with the mainstream beauty standard, you are not being an ally of women. You might think you're sending the message that women should be free from the shackles of the media-driven beauty industry, but you're only one voice in a very complicated song, and the real message you're sending is that no matter what a woman does for herself, it is wrong and she will be judged for it.
The most radical feminist in the world who still lives and works interacting with society has to pick her battles in order to get anywhere in life. The most fiercely independent women still internalize aspects of patriarchy. You, cool dude who does what he wants and doesn't give a damn what society says, still conform to more superficial standards than you'd probably care to realize... you just don't have to worry about well-meaning "allies of men" coming along and judging you for them.
You can't know what any given woman would be risking or giving up if she decided to reject the mainstream standard in favor of conforming to yours. You don't know why she's doing it in the first place. Possibly you mean well, maybe you think you're doing her a favor, but what you're really saying is "If you're not brave enough and strong enough to take the scorn of the rest of society and all that comes with it, you can have some from someone who claims to respect you instead."
Sincerely,
Alexandra Erin.
( A note to commenters. )
Like you, I didn't have to deal with the same expectations, programming, pressure, and other suchlike baggage that cisgendered women deal with. This isn't to say that I got none of it, just that the circumstances of my birth and upbringing mean that I necessarily received less of it. We're all exposed to the same social forces, but they don't touch us all equally or push us in equal directions.
If you think of yourself as a liberal dude, as a modern man, as a feminist ally, as pro-woman, and you disapprove of the beauty standards pushed on women by mainstream society and reinforced by the media, by peer pressure, by the expectations of the workplace, and so on, this is a good thing, as far as it goes. But "as far as it goes" should not extend so far as disparaging random women you see who for whatever reasons have "given in" to those standards... and those reasons aren't likely to be apparent to you in the time it takes you to glance at them and judge them.
When you say things like "women who wear makeup are obviously masking low self-esteem" or "When I see women dressed like that, I assume they're vacuous and vapid" or otherwise make it clear that you feel comfortable dismissing the worth or intellect of a woman based on how much time and effort you perceive that she spends on keeping her appearance in line with the mainstream beauty standard, you are not being an ally of women. You might think you're sending the message that women should be free from the shackles of the media-driven beauty industry, but you're only one voice in a very complicated song, and the real message you're sending is that no matter what a woman does for herself, it is wrong and she will be judged for it.
The most radical feminist in the world who still lives and works interacting with society has to pick her battles in order to get anywhere in life. The most fiercely independent women still internalize aspects of patriarchy. You, cool dude who does what he wants and doesn't give a damn what society says, still conform to more superficial standards than you'd probably care to realize... you just don't have to worry about well-meaning "allies of men" coming along and judging you for them.
You can't know what any given woman would be risking or giving up if she decided to reject the mainstream standard in favor of conforming to yours. You don't know why she's doing it in the first place. Possibly you mean well, maybe you think you're doing her a favor, but what you're really saying is "If you're not brave enough and strong enough to take the scorn of the rest of society and all that comes with it, you can have some from someone who claims to respect you instead."
Sincerely,
Alexandra Erin.
( A note to commenters. )