This is my confession to the world.

[alexandraerin]

To anyone who thinks I'm only brave on the internet, that I wouldn't dare confront Caoimhe like this in real life...

You're absolutely right. Haven't you been paying attention? That's what happened. That's exactly how it went down. I wasn't brave in real life. I wouldn't confront her face-to-face. That's why we're here. That's why I'm a witness to the violation of someone I love instead of the person who intervened when she saw what was happening..

I made excuses for her. I made myself write it off, the same way I wrote off everything I saw her doing earlier in public (and what I heard about): as being "just kind of rapey".

Yes. Those words. In my head. In my allegedly enlightened and progressive and feminist educated skull. A comparison to rape used to excuse and brush off danger signs, rather than putting a name to them.

I wasn't willing to call it out when I didn't think it mattered... and when it did I choked. I couldn't even bring myself to say what I'd made myself think: "Caoimhe... don't you think you're being kind of rapey?" I watched him begging and pleading and trying to get her to stop and I watched her arguing with him and pressing forward and not stopping and I told myself that it didn't need my intervention, that it wasn't that bad and she'd stop herself before it got that bad and when I thought it was over I went to sleep, and when I was woken up I laid there until I had myself convinced against all evidence and reason that what I was hearing was just really rough make-up sex because while I may be pretty brave when I can hide behind a keyboard I am not that brave in real life.

I don't blame myself for what she did.

I don't blame anyone but her.

But if I ever let that sort of thing pass in the future... if I ever use a comparison to rape to brush off danger instead of put a name to it... I will deserve blame for that.

---

...so, that's how good I am at staying out of the conversation. This post has been bubbling up inside me for almost a week now, though. I've written it out and deleted it a bunch of times. Each time it scratched the itch for a while, but never for long.

It just has to be said.

Please, no one worry that I'm going to do something drastic and rash based on the feelings I described. This post is me doing something rash about them. Now I'm going to go eat leftover pancakes and I am going to play Arkham Asylum until I feel better because my life is short of problems that can be punched in the face and I wouldn't know what to do with them if I had any.