Briefly: On The Importance Of Word Order

[alexandraerin]

Pop quiz:

Q.: What's the difference between someone you see using a device to assist their mobility or an accommodation for people with disabilities who doesn't obviously need it and one who obviously doesn't need it?

A.: Nothing that you can tell by looking.

Therefore, if you find yourself saying something along the lines of "It makes me mad when I see someone using a wheelchair/motorized cart/priority bus seat when they obviously don't need it." or "Motorized carts are fine for people who need them, but most of the people I see using them are just lazy", you might want to stop talking as the sounds that are coming out of your mouth are clearly gibberish and you're in danger of embarrassing yourself.

For extra credit:

Q.: Under what circumstances is it appropriate to mock/snark/judge/stare at/comment on/interrogate somebody using such an accommodation or assistive device?

A.: Never.

Not even if you've seen the same person walk, stand unaided for a long period of time, or dance a merry jig... the world doesn't divide neatly into perfectly able-bodied people and people who need devices to aid their mobility all the time. You don't know what it cost that person to dance a jig or why it was worth it to them to do so. You don't know what trade-offs they're making every time they decide to do something you do for granted or accept what assistance is available.

If you judge someone for using a scooter or cane after you saw them go ballroom dancing, what is the lesson that you (as one small part of a larger society that is also sending this message) are sending people? That some people have fun and other people have wheelchairs, but nobody gets to have both?

Not even if the person is fat, to a degree that you--with your in-depth medical training and ability to take in a person's medical history with a glance--have determined is unhealthy, their fault, and easily fixed by anyone with willpower. Seriously. You don't know why your fellow shoppers might be using a motorized cart. You don't know why their bodies are shaped like they are. The only thing those two things are guaranteed to have in common is that neither one is any of your business*.

Not even if you're doing it in private, at home, with only one other person who knows that you don't have any prejudice against those with disabilities and wouldn't be mocking/judging without good reason. First, even if you're alone you're not doing this in isolation. You're participating in (and reinforcing and spreading) a larger meme, one that has actual consequences for real people. Second, your judgment does not magically become more insightful, necessary, or appropriate just because you waited to get home to express it. Third, if you couldn't conceal your scorn any longer than it took you to get to an audience you know will be sympathetic and appreciative of it, what makes you think you were concealing it that well in the first place?

The fat person on the scooter at Wal-Mart, the person without any crutches or cane who plops down in the priority seat, the person who explains how their chronic pain, depression, or anxiety disorder impacts their life one day while talking about how much fun they had doing A Thing That People Do the next day... these are all pretty much considered to be "socially acceptable targets". Snarking them isn't being edgy, it's buying into a mindset that is relentlessly mainstream and conformist. Someone calling you on snarking them isn't calling "The PC Police" on you or oppressing you... if marginalized people did have a police force and the power to oppress, they wouldn't be marginalized.

---

*I say "guaranteed" because someone might point out that the two things could be related; i.e., the same medical condition that limits mobility might be directly or indirectly contributing to the individual's weight. But you know what? It's still nobody else's businesses, and a person doesn't need that kind of "excuse" to be fat and have a disability at the same time.

Comments

[janewilliams20.livejournal.com]

While in general I agree with you, there are people who have disabled stickers for their cars that allow them to park in spaces set aside for them, and there are people who do not have such stickers. That's a very clear distinction: and people who park in a disabled slot without such a sticker are breaking the law.

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

My post doesn't address that, as that's an entirely different issue. A more applicable situation to what I'm talking about would be someone who has stickers and is using such a space but not being visibly disabled.

Could this be someone perfectly able bodied making use of a sticker/placard that was intended for another user of the car? It could! But a casual observer is not called to or equipped to judge that.

[janewilliams20.livejournal.com]

Yes, completely agreed with you there.

[waterdragon.livejournal.com]

I almost posted the exact same thing. I think while this yes isn't adressing the situation above, it is related. My family had this discussion (about parking spots and placards, and people using them that are not authorized) when we were visiting my grandparents who do have a placard.

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

It's related in that it touches on disability accommodations and who can use them, but introducing it throws up a bit of a red herring, in that there are literal "licenses" issued by society for parking spaces where there isn't for canes, wheelchairs, motorized carts, etc.

[inever.livejournal.com]

I may just have to print this out and hand it to a certain someone who attends my school.

[jupiterrhode.livejournal.com]

Doooo eeeet.

[moofable.livejournal.com]

Oh people.

In my day to day life, I don’t need anything to help me get around. However, when I have a big panic attack my legs turn into when spaghetti. I’ve known this for 10 years and I’ve known that I should be carrying a cane for situations that pose a high risk for big panic attacks.

Do I?

No. I don’t because I worry about the whole not-really-being-disabled and look-at-the-fat-idiot thing, so I tend avoid things like concerts which I would really enjoy and spend a lot of time worrying at the things I do go to.

[katalopolis.livejournal.com]

I've never heard about using a cane for panic attacks, probably since my panic tends to make me go all stiff rather than noodly but a cane makes a lot of sense in that kind of situation. Plus it would give you something to hold on to and focus on while you work your head back to normalish.

P.S. I love your icon.

[moofable.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

And yeah. I like the idea of also having something solid and thus grounding.

[hanselle.livejournal.com]

amen! I hate how people look at me very strangely when I request a wheelchair at the airport, as I was walking fine a minute before. But I find if I don't order the wheelchair, I often end up passing out and that tends to make people upset and have them wanting to call 911, which does NO good.

[hel]

*nod* I was recently at two conventions, on consecutive weekends. I have joint problems which mean that while I can walk on flat surfaces for a very long while, if I walk up or down more than about two flights of stairs a day, I'm going to need anti-inflammatories and hot wraps and to lie down for several hours. The constant comments on the elevator about 'people should just take the stairs!' were ever so fun. I frequently felt like the comments were aimed at me. I also felt like I had to speak up and say something. a number of times, someone else without any visible reason to "need" the elevator also spoke up after I did. I told my sweetie I almost wanted to carry my cane, even tho I knew I wasn't going to be needing it, just to shut people up.

[hanselle.livejournal.com]

ugh, I hate it when people pass judgement on others based solely on outside appearances. I don't have a cane or anything, because it wouldn't support me if I pass out and might make things worse.

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

You are one of my favorite folks on the internet. Thank you.

[kartusch.livejournal.com]

This is why I only recently started using the handicap stall instead of years ago when it started to be an issue. I look able-bodied, I can walk and take stairs and all, what I can't do well is get up from low toilets. (And truthfully on some days the walking isn't much better) When I had my 3rd child my hip popped out of place and now it will randomly do so and is highly aggravated by the height of normal toilets.

That and my come and go limp make me way too self conscious knowing how often I hear people make those kind of comments. I wish the world could grasp not all disabilities are 24/7 and not all disabled people have a type that acts as a easy "Hi I am disabled sign". Don't get me started on the disrespect towards anxiety disorders as legitimate life altering issues.

[akkadu.livejournal.com]

Very well put, this one aggravates me immensely when I come across it at work. A quiet bit of education as to the situations of both members of my little household has generally debugged things so far though, thankfully.

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

Education works wonders on those who will let it.

Another Perspective

[zergplex.livejournal.com]

I agree with your post to a point, but as an 8 year associate at Walmart who worked as a front end manager for awhile I would like to give my perspective.

In our store we have 6 of the mechanical carts. And it's very frustrating when a customer who does need the cart can't get one because they are all in use. And without a doubt there are people who do take the carts who don't need them. It's not my place (or anyones place) to judge who does or doesn't need the cart, but at least it is recognized that it does happen. It happens a lot less then people complain about though, as people are wont to complain about anything. I've had to discipline associates in the past for issues relating to this topic, and I am with you 100% that it isn't ANYONES place to judge who needs the carts. The only person who can judge that is the person themselves.

To me people using the chairs who don't need them is something you need to treat like theft in the store, and by that I mean it's something that you recognize does happens but that it should never change how you treat any of the customers. People steal, but I'm not going to treat my customers like thieves; just as some people use the carts that don't need to, but that is neither a reason nor a justification to make that judgement or to ever treat the customer any differently.

There is no way to really tell what someones real need is, nor would I want there to be. Only an individual can judge whether the cart is necessary. I just think those people who don't need the carts that use them anyways really should think about who else they might be hurting.

Re: Another Perspective

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

And it's very frustrating when a customer who does need the cart can't get one because they are all in use

The frustration is that there isn't enough carts to go around. The idea that this is the fault of people who are lazy/greedy/not actually needing them is just supposition. It might be true at any given time, but it's hard to do any good entertaining that viewpoint and easy to do harm.

[syphilis-jane.livejournal.com]

...if marginalized people did have a police force...

Members of marginalized groups do sometimes attempt to organize police force-y groups. Non-marginalized culture tends to label such activities as radicalism, terrorism, etc., regardless of the actions of those groups.

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

Yes, but the implication in "police force" is that it has legal/social backing. People who dismiss things as being "the PC Police" are ascribing power to marginalized groups that doesn't exist.

[syphilis-jane.livejournal.com]

I agree.

What I meant to add to your comment on non-marginalized people calling "the PC Police" is that any attempts made by marginalized groups to defend themselves (verbally, mentally, physically, or in any other way) are immediately dismissed/denigrated by the non-marginalized society in one way or another.

[mouselord.livejournal.com]

Cheers to this post. I whole heartedly agree with everything you said here. Particularly when it comes to pain management, it is impossible to know how someone else is feeling (unless you have some kind of paranormal power that lets you experience other people's pain in the exact manner that they experience it . . . Now I want to write a flash fic about someone in a dystopian future whose job it is to experience other people's pain to decide whether or not their insurance will cover their drugs . . . ); it is also something I have to do virtually everyday, professionally.

I work in long term care, and am faced daily with the dilemma: Is the person who doesn't want therapy, a shower, to get out of bed, etc. really in large amounts of pain, or are they "just being lazy?" It is a part of my job that sucks. A lot. It is something that occasionally sends me into a full on Mackenzie Blaise internal monologue where I debate this question with myself at length. I spend a great deal of time and worry on trying to evaluate whether or not someone is "faking."

I still cannot be sure. Even if, after a little nagging, my resident pops and does really well in their therapy session, I don't know what they were feeling when they first said "no."

I think I want to link this post in one I'm writing for Huffpost about making assumptions about people's motivations and intentions (If I finish writing it, that is. I have six other things I should do first).

[alexandraerin.livejournal.com]

Please feel free to... it's often painful/draining for me to write things like this, but I do it so that the words are there for other people to use as needed.

[tanyahp.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing this post, it is so important to state that ability/disability can't be immediately "diagnosed" on the basis of looks. People are so hasty to judge others.

[cr0wdedelevator.livejournal.com]

I wholeheartedly agree with this post - always have, but even more so in the past few years. I've actually had one or two people tell me off for sitting in the priority seats on the bus - until I tell them that while uncommon, it is possible for an otherwise healthy looking 20 year old to have rheumatoid arthritis, which makes my ankles swell to alarming sizes. Thankfully I usually have the same bus drivers most of the time, and they know me and know why I don't sit further back.

[point5b.livejournal.com]

Snarking them isn't being edgy

As far as I can tell, "edgy" only means "cruel and obnoxious, but not aimed at the people I'm talking to", anymore. :/

Great piece - this is something that's pissed me off, more than once.

[hk-lvr.livejournal.com]

I totally agree with you here. I have to catch myself when I'm on the bus and someone who looks able-bodied gets on just to go one or two stops, and my automatic reaction is "That's so lazy." I don't know them, I don't know what mobility problems they may or may not have, I don't know if they're just wearing uncomfortable shoes, and I don't know if they just didn't feel like walking. But none of that is any of my business anyway, because not only does it not affect me in any way, it REALLY isn't any of my business.

So... yeah. I'm working on it. But there needs to be more people like you articulating these things so well.

[tzadkiel.livejournal.com]

I had a good friend at an old job - 27years old and had hip dysplasia and full replacement of both joints. Attractive young woman with zero obvious problems with a handicapped parking spot.

When asked, she has to explain, "My legs have exactly X steps in them before my hip breaks again. Not years, steps. And I'm not wasting a single one of them getting to a fucking shopping cart, I'm going to dance at my wedding"

I couldn't agree more.

[andy9306.livejournal.com]

I actually ran into a situation like this a little bit back. I was trying to explain to a coworker that I have an anxiety disorder that dissuades me from going out to experience new things/people and that it is a major cause behind my lack of a girlfriend and sexual/romantic experience(nine hour shifts, very little to do, very bored).

The response I got was basically "WTF no you don't, if you did you wouldn't be having this conversation or any of the other conversations we've been having for the last couple days and you don't seem shy at all anyway."

It was... challenging trying to explain it to them in a way they would understand. I acclimate myself to new situations and people pretty damn fast, the anxiety precedes them, prevents me from seeking them out or accepting offers. In person after I've warmed up I am a charming, chatty, conversationalist who can sling a mean pun.

So, I was being told that I don't experience anything out of the norm, that I have no excuse, that everyone is nervous. Well, that may be true but I doubt the average person is routinely anxious to the point of rendering themselves bedridden to avoid the unknown, as I have been in the past.

That was longer than I wanted to make it... oh god I'm making it worse!!!

[rethic.livejournal.com]

I can totally feel for you here. I do not have this issue myself, but my husband does. And I have to explain to my friend's who want to meet him that it is a difficult experience for him to meet new people. They always think he doesn't like them or he's mean or something worse. Of course when it's just us or us and his friends he's the funniest guy in the world, completely adorable(I may be bias). It actually took me many years to fully understand that he just can't take family get togethers. He's pretty good at faking it, as I'm sure a lot of people tend to be, when he needs to. I probably don't even fully understand even now. So yea, I feel for you. And I guess the moral of the story is he's now happily married, although he didn't meet me until he was 34 so there's time.

Bravo!

[zenseyes.livejournal.com]

I created a Live Journal account just so I could comment on this post. Your words rang so true to me. I am 32 years old, and I have been disabled since I was 24. To look at me, you would not think I had anything wrong with me. I have Multiple Sclerosis, an invisible disability. I am overly fatigued 99.9 percent of the time.I also have several other illnesses, all of them invisible to the average person. Walking distances, even through the supermarket, wears me out. Heck, sometimes just walking INTO the store from the parking lot is hard for me. So, I need the help of a motorized cart to be able to do my shopping. Add the fact that I am overweight into the mix, and I do get my share of odd looks from people. Sometimes you can just tell what they are thinking from the scornful looks on their faces. My thoughts on the matter are... screw them. If they had to face the pain and fatigue that I face on a daily basis, they would be using the chairs too.
On the other hand, at least around here, there are as many or more people who are very nice and helpful. They smile and talk to me, and actually make my day better for having briefly met them. They help me to get things off of higher shelves, and they ask if I need anything else. And I'm not just talking about employees of the stores, either. Other shoppers, who have no reason or responsibility to help me, do.

Anyway, thank you for writing this Ms. Erin. I am a huge fan of not only your stories, but also your ramblings here on Live Journal.