The heart of the problem.

[alexandraerin]

I was going to post this after putting up the Tales of MU I have written in the other window, but then I realized I'll want to link the story to this post, for the people who don't read my blog.

So, as people who already read this already know, a couple weeks back I went to the doctor with a bit of a fever. I was diagnosed with a throat infection, which happily already seemed to be on its way out by the time I noticed it, but after I recounted my recent health history and realized I'd probably been nursing the infection for some time, the doctor was troubled at the state of my immune system and... especially after hearing my family history... my blood pressure and heart rate.

Basically, I was told that I was killing myself with stress, and if I wanted to avoid a bunch of medication that she knows I can't really afford (and would rather avoid in either case... I want to put that out there so nobody thinks I'm putting my health on the line over a lack of funds), I needed to make some lifestyle changes.

Fortunately most of the stress in my life is self-inflicted. It comes from me not being able to let go of things, going back to the same topics and same people and same sites that cause me aggravation, etc. I've voluntarily blocked myself off from as many internet destinations as I can think of that were basically nothing more to me than daggers with which to stab myself in the eye with (I'm sure most of us have sites like that), and I've been doing my best to not get worked up over things and to take time to breathe and to get some mild exercise in every day. I've been exploring some more social hobbies, reveling in things I enjoy instead of wallowing in things that offend and annoy.

I'm going back in tomorrow to see how all my major not-dead-yet indicators are doing after these changes and when I'm not running a fever. I'm feeling optimistic because I'm feeling pretty healthy, physically. I didn't realize how run-down I felt until I stopped feeling that way.

But at the same time, I'm also kind of feeling more malaise-y than usual. Calm isn't a usual thing for me. I haven't really figured out how to make it work. I lose focus if I don't have something driving me. If things look good tomorrow, though, I'm going to kick things back up a notch, in a balanced and healthy way.

If they don't? If the doctor says I'm terribly, terribly unhealthy and will need to be put on medication? I hate to say it... but I've had a lot of time to think it over in the past week, and it might come down to looking for a job that can get me health insurance. Which wouldn't mean I'd abandon my writing, just that the frequency would go down even from its current low. It definitely wouldn't be like the last time I was working and writing, because I'm pretty sure that's the closest I've ever come to working myself to death.

But that's the worst case scenario. And actually, it really isn't. The fact that I'm sitting here typing and will likely be able to continue to sit here typing even intermittently means I'm not hitting the worst case scenario. I consider myself blessed to have had the wake-up call be "You might give yourself a heart attack later if you don't calm down." instead of "You've given yourself a heart attack." Even financially speaking, it's a lot cheaper to keep oneself from becoming a heart patient than it is being one.

Comments

[calianissene.livejournal.com]

You've been hearing it pretty consistently from most of your readers for a while, but here it is again:
Just keep yourself healthy. Some of us may have an obsession with your writing, but that doesn't mean we expect you to put your stories above your health. Glad to hear you're feeling better overall, and hopefully you'll adjust to your new, in-better-health self soon enough!

[hnmic.livejournal.com]

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayer-type things, ae.

it might be stupid but...

[alicetroubleuk.livejournal.com]

your health is more important than anything else.
So what ever it takes do that.
Next point.
You might be interested in a therapy called EFT (emotional freedom technique) its good to unblock all that stuff and even better you can practise on yourself so it doesn't cost anything. Hope it helps you

[saizai.livejournal.com]

Have you considered shopping for your own health insurance?

It is available. It's not as cheap as on a group plan, and you might get bounced if you have something preexisting - stress probably won't count - but it's better than not having it.

Think of it as an expense that has to be paid, not as something that you can only get if you're doing some certain kind of work.

OTOH, it may be that your current work doesn't pay you enough; that's a different issue. OTGH, I think if you posted a "please pay my insurance costs so I can keep doing this" request, it'd happen.

[felix-tamen.livejournal.com]

+1. I was surprised at how affordable health insurance is if you've got the cushion (or credit) to swallow a high deductible. I pay $130 a month for a $30 copayment and $5000/year out-of-pocket maximum (in Northern California; I'm 32 and male). If I have a heart attack, it'll suck, but I won't be ruined financially.

Dunno if this will work for you. Caveats: here, plans won't even take you if you have a significant pre-existing condition. In some other states, they'll cover you except for pre-existing conditions (this is not allowed in California). I don't know if your family history counts. In any state, premiums depend on age.

The rules suck, but if you can get on a plan, it's worth it. Easiest way to get to the bottom of all this: find an insurance agent and ask them what you can get.

[felix-tamen.livejournal.com]

Also, I want to reiterate what everyone else is saying: health first. We're behind you; we understand. All of your fans want you alive (well, except maybe Steff).

PS: My Mac's spelling correction redlines Steff and suggests Staff, Stiff, and Stuff. Hmmn.

PPS: I work from home, and the malaise is a problem for me too. For me, chocolate, exercise, and getting-the-crap-outdoors help. YMMV *shrug* Anyway, you're not the only one.

[felix-tamen.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, and I'm glad you're giving yourself permission to ignore trolls and assholes. I don't know why, but it's so hard to do. I see too many people (myself, writers, open-source contributors, activists, myself) get totally burned out as a result.

Seriously, if someone is being a complete asshat, you don't owe them anything, much less a response. Fuck 'em.

[kivrin-9.livejournal.com]

You know, I find that when I have a job outside my art, which CAN support me, but it sucks, it reduces stress, enables my art to be fun again since it isn't my JOB, per se, and contrary to expectations encourages my level of production. Your mileage may vary, but I have at least found that having an enjoyable job is stress reducing in that it is a chunk of time wherein i am paid to be there and worry about the job, not anything else. My own life goes on hold because it has to. As long as it's a job you find relatively pleasant and doesn't come home with you, it might not be so bad if you do have to get a job.

You might look into alternative means of stress relief and preserving your immune system. Many massage therapists are eager to barter for, well, anything, and there are a number of safe herbs that can aid your immune system, reduce your stress, deepen your sleep, or whatever else you might need. Cheaper than drugs.

Best Health advice I can come up with

[fan-tasylov-er.livejournal.com]

K so you said your main cause of stress is not letting go of things not being able to just leave it. So my advice is to get a copy of Marsha M. Linehan Dialectical Behavior Therapy (AKA Core Mindfulness). You may need to go to a therapist to get it but it has some very very effective ways to deal with that behavior disorder.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marsha_Linehan

"Escaping The Job Trap"

[sage-blackthorn.livejournal.com]

A while back I was reading an article by another writer about how he got to where he is today. He did it by not getting a job. His name is Thomas Elpel, and he's written a number of books on woodsy skills, a few of them I have. I stumbled upon an article he wrote titled "Escaping The Job Trap (http://www.greenuniversity.net/Green_Economics/jobtrap.htm)" that really made me think about the difference between working to live, living to work, and just plain doing what you love to do and being happy. One of the things he pointed out is that it doesn't take money to follow your dreams, just time.

He says that people fall into the trap of thinking they need more money to accomplish their dreams, when instead what they should be doing is working to decrease their expenses instead. He cites several examples of people doing this and becoming successful by following their dreams and doing what they love. Which reminded me of what you've been doing.

And if you need information about medicinal herbs, I work for an Apothecary (http://www.dragonmarsh.com). Send me a message or an e-mail and I'll do some research for you. I've been dealing with Anxiety Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for a few years now since I was diagnosed too. So if nothing else, I can tell you what's been working for me if you like.

Being healthy is work.

[pmac360.livejournal.com]

It took me a long time to realize it, but to be healthy takes some work. Things like eating well, sleeping on a regular schedule, and *ahem* regular exercise take a modicum of planning, time, and effort.

(Not to mention avoiding things like smoking and excessive drinking...) I've had the same trouble from time to time; in the down times, it's admittely sometimes beyond me.